EDDIE ELBOWS: A Complete Schär

[Eddie Elbows]

Welcome one and all to another frolic through the gay scented meadows of the beautiful game, via the portal of my port-steeped nicotine-stained brain. Before continuing many thanks as always to honourable members who were good enough to put wind in my sails with their words of appreciation. [theo29 what exactly is FPL?, and ‘Deux Deluxe’ I’m afraid is terrible pun on the name of an extremely obscure 70s pub rock band called Ducks Deluxe. I didn’t expect it to gain much traction but I was really struggling for a title at the time.] Speaking of last week I do think fashion can be an instinctive thing a lot of the time don’t you. Take for instance my ‘socks in flip-flops’ embarrassment. The other day I was pottering about the house in said apparel when I had an unexpected visit from my eighteen year old great nephew Roderick who was in fine form having just passed his driving test. He and his chum noticed my aforementioned footwear combo and were most impressed. It turns out that this sort of thing was popularised some time ago by somebody called Justin Bieber, and is absolutely de rigueur with many current celebs and pop stars. Not only did the boys consider my get up to be ‘awesome’ they gave it the highest accolade the millennial vocabulary can bestow ‘peng’!

Before we tuck into the meat and two veg, for any new readers who are finding the going a bit sticky and are perhaps discombobulated by some of my old fashioned vocabulary, try to think of me as a fantasy football equivalent of Jacob Rees-Mogg and you’ll soon get the picture.

WEEK 3

Early doors Saturday and a first trip for Pep and the boys to the land of the yam yams, where Wolves’ Portuguese contingent put a Spaniard in the champion’s works thanks to a Will Boly headed/shouldered/fisted goal, and to some extra thick posts. Despite a sweeper keeper, inverted full backs, unfathomable tactics and being collectively worth slightly more than Bulgaria, the champions had to rely on an old fashioned set piece header to get out of jail – LaPorte finally blowing down the Wolves door. Aguero hit the woodwork twice and there was a first class save from Rui Patricio onto the angle, but in the end City can’t really have too many gripes. Just when we were beginning to firm up our thoughts on the Citizen’s midfield options another imponderable arrives in the shape of IIkay Gündogan whose free kick here was the only KC in an otherwise barren afternoon. Wolves it has to be said were good value for the point. They must be the best technical side outside the elite, but what really impressed me was that they rolled their sleeves up and really got in amongst their illustrious visitors. Avit! After blanking last week Ruben Neves rewarded the patient with another KC. West Ham next week and if they can’t score against that lot I’ll show me backside in Burton’s window.

Liverpool remain top dogs after maintaining their one hundred percent record against a well-drilled and resilient Brighton, AND have yet to concede a goal. Those expecting a barrel of laughs however would have had more fun watching the traffic lights change. The game was won thanks to excellent sniping from Christiano Milner who robbed a day-dreaming Yves Bissouma, and the Reds front three helped themselves with Salah’s crafty in-off-the-post finish from close range winning the day. Knockheart and Gross spurned ace chances to nab a point, but they might have needed a police escort to get out of town as Anfield optimism is beginning to border on hysteria. As an example Allison, because of a late save which with the best will in the world was little more than decent, is being lauded as the new Messiah, while Matt Ryan at the other end was possibly MOTM. Chris Hughton benched Pascal Gross whilst Liverpool were unchanged for the third game on the trot. Andy Robertson went back to the top of the TFF tree.

Also taking care of business were super Spurs who moved up to second posish after blunting and ultimately eviscerating Manchester United. After a frantic first fifteen the game was won and lost when, after frenetic Man U pressure, Danny Rose’s casual, under hit back pass was anticipated and was pounced on by Lukaku (aka Dobbin) who hooked his shot a foot wide of Lloris’ goal when it was easier to score. There is no doubt that Rose - a surprise selection - is damaged goods psychologically and thank God his error was not pivotal. Second half goals from Kane with a looping header and two strikes from the lightning bolt Lucas Moura (whom I did flag up last week) did the trick as Smalling and Jones were over-fed rabbits caught in the Tottenham headlights. Contributing to Mourinho’s moribund mien, Toby Alderweireld - reportedly his No1 transfer target - was masterful at the other end and far better looking than Jones or Smalling. The Reds despite the reverse showed more intent and desire in the first half here than they did in the whole of last season put together, and all is not yet lost with the Europa League well within their grasp. Spurs were under the cosh for long periods here but Hugo Lloris was clearly not suffering a hangover, and United’s finishing left much to be desired. On another sartorial note did anyone else spot that Mauricio Pochettino has completely lifted Diego Simeone’s all black mobster look. Maybe it’s an Argentinian thing? I only hope he doesn’t copy any of the Atletico manager’s Tasmanian Devil touchline antics as well. Valencia returned while Bailly was rewarded for brilliant recent performances by being sent on a tour of the Stockport abattoir.

Watford also made it nine points out of nine and briefly joined Liverpool on the top perch, but had referee Anthony Taylor and good fortune to thank. The Manchester official ought to have given Capoue his marching orders early doors for a nasty tackle on the aforementioned Zaha. This became a double smack in the kisser for the visitors when Capoue’s fifty yard lung - bursting run set up Pereyra for the opener just after the restart. The visitors luck seemed completely out when Holebas’ attempted cross flew over Hennessy to double the Horns’ advantage with twenty to go. The Eagles plugged away relentlessly which eventually drew dividends when Zaha netted his second of the campaign. Joel Ward - arguably at fault for the Pereyra’s goal - had a last gasp chance to grab a deserved point but headed wide. The anticipated rematch between Louis Zaha and Harry the Hornet failed to materialise. Palace ought to be entering a purple patch fixtures wise and are performing well. Watford enter a sticky looking September facing three of last year’s top six in the next four.

Chelsea also made it three out of three after a real bore-fest up in Scotlandshire, where they weaved their intricate patterns but couldn’t pierce Rafa’s ten man defence. Benitez shorn of the suspended Kenedy, and Shelvey (who is reluctant to play when there is a full moon), understandably perhaps parked the bus and nearly got away with it. But visitor’s pressure eventually told fifteen minutes from time when Alonso - who had spent more time in the Mag’s penalty area than Morata - was brought down by Fabian Schär, and Eden Hazard gave it the beans from twelve yards. Having won the game the blues then completely switched off and Joselu buried a Yedlin cross with a running header that was probably my goal of the week. A point salveged it was Newcastle’s turn shoot themselves in the foot when they failed to deal with a Blues’ set piece and an unconvincing Alonso effort was turned into his own net by the aforementioned Yedlin. Selecting the featherweight Morata up top is like trying to reason with a hungry tiger, and with a battering ram like Giroud on the bench you can’t help wondering what the World Cup winner has done to sour Sarri’s sensibilities. Hazard started for the first time, Barkley was benched for Kovacic, and Alonso’s two assists take him to joint top points scorer.

While Newcastle and Chelsea were serving up a real stinker in the televised game, and Sky executives were birching themselves under cold showers, Fulham and Burnley were dishing up a five goal first half thriller. And down in SW6 the name on everybody’s lips was Mitrović. The Serbian Drogba helped himself to a fifteen point haul as Fulham finally found their feet, and Burnley’s midfield ran out of post Piraeus puff. Jean Seri opened the scoring with a 35 yard scorcher and had a hand in the Whites’ second. Jeff Hendrick briefly brought parity beating Bettinelli at the second time of asking after a Lennon right flank raid, but when Ben Mee conceded a needless corner, Mitrović loitering with intent at the back stick bagged his first of the day. No2 wasn’t long in the waiting as the Claret’s next attack broke down the impressive Vietto set up Mitrovic’s second and the Cottagers third. (Actually I have been ticked off for using ‘Cottagers’ which apparently has a completely different meaning these days). No matter, the Visitors’ defenders made amends as Mee set up his fellow centre half for a back post tap-in on half time - two in two for the towering Tarkowski. The second period saw the home side pass up a host of chances with Schurle and Mitrovic both striking the frame of the goal before the German finally broke his duck heaping another dollop of despond at Dyche’s door. Fulham’s fixtures are not the best but on this form Mitrović has to be given consideration.

‘Slabhead Strikes Again’ read the imaginary sports page headline of the totally fictitious Leicester Mercury, but Southampton were the architects of their own demise against Vardy less Leicester despite leading by a nicely taken Betrand goal just after the change of ends. Within five minutes it was all square when a weak clearance by Cedric fell invitingly for Gray who didn’t need a second invitation and gave McCarthy no chance. More Saints self-harming followed with ten to go when half man-half cyclops Pierre Højbjerg saw a second yellow for simulation. The visitors rained terror on the Southampton goal and just when they thought they’d ridden the storm Harry Maguire weaved in from the by line and smashed home the winner from thirty yards. Take a bow son. What did happen to Andy Gray? Pimping in the Gorbals I expect. Vestergaard returned for the hosts and there was a first start for Elyounoussi who is on corners. Ben Chilwell caught the eye for the Foxes

Game of the week took us down to deepest Dorset where never-say-die Bournemouth once again rose form the ashes of defeat to tie with never-say-die Everton who suffered their second sending off of the season, but again managed to get a point. After a first half of few chances Richarlison foolishly rose to Smith’s bait and saw red after administering a Wigan kiss. I don’t know what the Brazilian for handbags is but somebody ought to have a word in his shell like. The ten men got their gander up and goals from Walcott and Keane put the Mersey men two to the good. Betwixt and between the goals, Smith himself was sent off with a flea in his ear after upending Walcott. Perversely the Cherries now also down to ten men hit the turbo button and pulled one back after a brain-dead push by Baines sent Wilson sprawling and King converted from 12 yards. Five minutes later it was all square Wilson once again the catalyst. Attacking Ibe’s (I think) corner the former Tamworth tyro headed against the post but Nathan Ake was Johnny on the spot to prod home the leveller. Keane then left the fray horizontally after a nasty clash of heads but manager Marco Silva said his face actually looked better after the collision than before it. These two are scoring at two per game and I don’t see any reason why that should change given fairly clement fixtures. I think we can now put the Walcott v Richarlison argument to bed for the time being barring death, war, or acts of God. Ahem. Sgt Wilson now has 24 points and King finally got off the mark.

The first Arsenal points on the board and a great watch at the Emirates which was all very well for the Hillmans but will have had coaches the length and breadth of the land reaching for the Bucky and paracetamols. Goals win games but defences win titles and whilst both these managers might look good on a the front of a knitting pattern, neither seem interested at all in sullying their hands with the sordid business of defending, and that, just, won’t do. For the second week in a row West Ham took an early lead through Arnautovic and ended up with the square root of eff all. Back stick poaching from Monreal, a Diop OG and a late, late third for Danny ‘Missing presumed dead’ Welbeck gave the Gunners win. Arnautovic, Snodgrass and Hernandez should all have done better with decent chances for the Hammers. Anderson seemed to be in a clearly defined No10 position and could be one to watch once they’ve got their ducks in a row and fixtures improve. A win for the Gunners but not a particularly convincing one. Aubameyang didn’t do himself too many favours and was hoiked off with fifteen to go. Ramsey Micky T and Iwobi all looked in the mood, but Hector Bellerin would be my pick though there are more attractive defensive propositions as things stand. Arnautovic looks likely to be back sooner rather than later, which is nice.

The John Smiths’ is definitely the place for masochists this year, and they won’t be disappointed (although they actually will – get it?) if this hour and a half is anything to go by. Nothing much seems to have happened until some unpleasantness between Hogg and Arter resulted in the former being dismissed on the hour mark, and the Bluebirds were on top thereafter. Ward, Murphy, Morrison and Reid all missed reasonable chances and the Terriers just about rode the storm. Young keeper Ben Hamer who copped one in the crown jewels at Anfield came off second best in a contretemps with Mendez-Laing and was hors de combat. Too brave for his won good is that lad. Huddersfield and Cardiff have already written off by the cognoscente and it’s hard to build a case to the contrary, but in TFF terms the Bluebirds defence is producing ripping returns in the VFM stakes with Filipino gloveman Neil Etheridge topping the table by a considerable margin thanks to two cleanies and two penalty saves. My congratulations to Mr Maurice Ponque of Swindon who is the only TFF manager to have recruited the said stopper. Callum Paterson earned himself a stay of execution with an elongated O’Shea.

UPDATE:

Twenty-nine goals and four clean sheets produced a weekly average of forty-four, which in terms of weekly average is pretty, er, average. Beating that comfortably but still remaining just outside the top one thousand my Liverpool block retains it’s posish thanks almost entirely to Liverpool’s third consecutive shut-out and Salah’s goal. Many other teams comfortably beat the forty-four mark but are getting swamped in the torrent of weeklies and monthlies – I think/hope. Looking forward to next weekend I can’t help but think there will be goals aplenty at Stamford Bridge, and I have a sneaky feeling Arsenal will not find Neil Warnock’s brand of brutal, nihilistic clogging entirely to their liking. Let’s hope so.

I leave you with a quote from the owner of Accrington Stanley FC from the weekend papers which I hope might put some perspective on the Premiership and it’s preening peacocks. “ There’s a job to do . . . . . there’s no training ground, the pitch is flooded every week, the floodlights keep switching off, the showers don’t work and if the sprinklers are on you cannot use the toilets in the changing rooms at the same time.” This in a week where Jurgen Klopp has appointed a throw-in coach. Yes, really?

Be seeing you.

Eddie

[Jamjack]

Bravo Eddie. “Take a bow son” was my most favourite pundit catchphrase of the era. Messers Gray and Keys landed on their feet at BeIN Sports. Their agent earned their fee.

[Redrum2]

I have no idea of who Jacob Rees-Mogg is but enjoyed reading the round-up.

[murf]

I have no idea of who Jacob Rees-Mogg is but enjoyed reading the round-up.

Think of him as a kind of political equivalent of Eddie Elbows.

Mind you, JRM is unintentionally amusing. Eddie's humour is, giving him the benefit of the doubt, mostly intended.

[Eddie Elbows]

I have no idea of who Jacob Rees-Mogg is but enjoyed reading the round-up.

Think of him as a kind of political equivalent of Eddie Elbows.

Mind you, JRM is unintentionally amusing. Eddie's humour is, giving him the benefit of the doubt, mostly intended.

Communist swine.

[brencarr]

Bravo Eddie. “Take a bow son” was my most favourite pundit catchphrase of the era. Messers Gray and Keys landed on their feet at BeIN Sports. Their agent earned their fee.

The Keys & Gray show is actually on (as I type) here in Australia on BeIN Sports 2 - They haven't changed a bit