EDDIE ELBOWS: Deux deluxe

[Eddie Elbows]

Good evening playmates,

My interest was piqued the other night as I was scrolling through the Sky TV guide. My system is rather old and does not always show the complete titles of upcoming programmes in full but ‘Dangerous Women With Pie’ really fired my imagination. On closer investigation this turned out to be ‘Dangerous Women with Piers Morgan which was more than a little disappointing. Now I don’t know about you but since the heat wave has abated I’ve found it really uncomfortable getting back into long trousers. They seem so restrictive. I’ve also take to wearing flip flops WITH SOCKS. Do I need help, or is this the onset of OAP ‘not giving a sh*t any more’ syndrome?

WEEK 2

The TFF big noise was of course Sergio Aguero and his hat trick. The TFF big news was KDB pulling up lame in training, and the subsequent diagnosis that the freckle-faced Fleming would be out of action for months if not years. Luckily - thanks to all those petrodollars - they have a tailor-made replacement in David Silva. The Spaniard was the mainspring of City’s 6-1 annihilation of Huddersfield Town, while De Bruyne watched from the posh seats with his crutches. Speaking of crutches, I think Ben Hamer deserves a mention in despatches; with Jesus bearing down on goal the Terriers’ stopper came off his line bravely spread eagling himself and copped the full force of the Brazilian’s shot right in the Jolly Rodger. Goal keeping like that my friends really does take balls. Strange to relate the visitors actually drew the corresponding match last year but their high press here smacked of blind faith rather than tactical acumen, and once Sergio breached their defence the goals came thick and fast. At one point flicking channels between the cricket and the football I noted that city were scoring at a faster rate than the England batsmen. Also helping himself to extra portions of points pudding was Ben Mendy who is beginning to look like a must have following another three assists which kept him top of the TFF tree and propelled City to the peak of the Premiership pile - and all this without the services of Sterling, and with Sane and Mahrez on the bench.

Liverpool ground out a professional if prosaic two-nil win at Selhurst Park in the season’s first MNF. Palace had to defend like Titans it’s true but they always possessed a degree of threat on the counter and did create chances. A debateable Milner penalty right on the stroke of half time and a late, late breakaway clincher from Sadio Mane enabled the visitors to finally breathe easy, on a night where half a dozen Eagles’ crosses fizzed dangerously across the Liverpool box, and, for want of a touch, we might not have been treated to quite so much of the Herr Klopp’s ’s pyrotechnical teeth in the post-match interview. The Kopites emerge from week two as the only side to have managed two shut-outs. Having said that Mo Salah didn’t appear to be quite himself here. Perhaps it’s post-Ramos stress disorder. Either way I don’t imagine Sr. Guardiola’s alarm bells will be sounding, and he certainly won’t be losing sleep over United.

Hoping to make a big splash down on the coast were Jose Mourinho’s not-so- merry-men, but they were greeted by a Seagull tsunami, trod water for most of the first forty-five and were in the half time hutch deservedly three-one down. Murray’s instinctive opener gets my goal of the week, by a mile. The half time introduction of Lingard and Rashers brought an improvement, but not enough of an improvement. Talk of Brighton’s demise seems wide of the mark on this showing which makes their capitulation at Watford hard to fathom. Gross on spot kicks is worth monitoring. Lukaku bagged his first of the new term with a Tigger-like spring, and as last week, there was a Pogba penalty. This brought the score back to 3-2 right at the death, but unlike last week there was to be no Shaw shanked redemption and no Fergie time.

Extraordinary drama at The Bridge and a game of two halves the first of which was a half of two halves. The first half of the first half was all Chelsea who twice punished Arsenal’s ridiculously high line in the first twenty minutes. The second half of the first half saw an Aubameyang and Mickey Taryen miss sitters before smashed finishes from the latter and from Alex Iwobi in a quickfire five minutes spree gave The Blues the blues. Having dragged themselves back from the abyss Arsenal then contrived to miss three gilt-edged chances. The Gunners looked a lot more defensively secure for the introduction of Torrerira after the change of ends but offered little as an attacking force. It seemed to be petering out to a draw when a lackadaisical Lacazette pass caused pandemonium in the Arsenal rear guard. Hazard breezed to the by line. Time stood still. There were eight Arsenal outfield players in the box but none of them seemed remotely concerned about Marcos Alonso who drifted in and despatched the winner, wheeling away in delight like the thousands of students who just passed their 'A' levels and won’t have to work for a living for the next two years, or three, or four, or five years. Plenty work to do for Emery though. There are positives and unlike his predecessor he does at least seem to have a plan. My plan would be to drop Ozil or Mkhitaryan. As the old adage goes, ‘A football team is like a piano. You need ten to carry it and one to play it.’ Two wins out of two for Sarri and amazing what a dollop or two of ketchup can do for player morale. Hazard and Giroud are still being kept in cotton wool and are still unwelcome chez Eddie until the transfer window slams shut. Alonso has started well and Chelsea fixtures look juicy short term.

To Wemberley now where itinerant Tottenham ran out fairly comfortable winners in the end, but not before Fulham had given them plenty of problems and just needed to be a little more clinical in front of goal. Lucas Moura’s bender just before half time was a thing of rare elegance, but the Brazilian could have had two or three by this point. In response Mitrovic smashed one against the upright before levelling from the prone position just before the hour. Kane hit the bar. Just as time was putting on its marching trousers Spurs were awarded a free kick and needed a hero. Answering the batphone was Kieran Trippier aka ‘The Bury Beckham’ who unleashed a smoker from thirty yards which the Cottagers’ keeper could only admire. Before the visitors could adjust their petticoats Harry Kane finally got the August monkey off his back. Fulham keep the ball well and did create on occasions, but so much of their season will depend on Mitrovic who wasn’t deemed good enough for Newcastle. United’s pursuit of Toby Alderweireld would seem to be over, and the Belgian seems to have been welcomed back to the fold. Benched at Newcastle he played all ninety minutes here which bodes well for Tottenham’s defensive potential. Moura could be a pick if he continues to be played in this advanced position and puts his contact lenses in. I saw Alan Gilzean play.

Everton now to me look best placed to challenge the elite this term and would seem to be a decent prospect for goals. Richarlison bagged his third of the season here and has seen his approval ratings soar to 22%. As mentioned last week I fancy Walcott to give the Brazilian a good run for his money and he is lightly fancied as things stand. The ex-England man was top dog this week converting the opener after a brilliantly choreographed Baines free kick routine, and setting up Richarlison for the Toffee’s second on the half hour. Betwixt and between Austin headed wide and Ings was denied bravely by Pickford recovering from a fumble. Everton dropped off after the change of ends and subsequent Southampton pressure was rewarded ten minutes in when Ings finished instinctively from a Ward-Prowse corner. The Hampshire men look a more potent force under Hughes but fixtures don’t inspire confidence and Ings must stay fit. Everton’s front four were all singled out for praise by the less handsome Neville brother.

Walmington-On-Sea continued to fight the good fight with a second victory on the trot. West Ham had sixty percent possession but Bournemouth matched them in every other statistical department, and bettered them in the one that really counts. Replying to Marco Arnautovic’s first half penalty Sergeant Wilson produced a wonder goal following a glue-on-his-boots slalom run which took out the entire Irons’ defence and on this form looks the pick of the Cherries' options. While the defenders were still scratching their heads Steve Cooke showed true grit to out-power all around him and convert Private Fraser’s free kick in style. I have nothing but malign thoughts towards Messrs Gold & Sullivan West Ham United’s owners aka The Dildo Brothers, and I don’t care much for many of their ‘hardcore’ fans, you know the ones who’s knuckles are a lot closer to the ground than ours, but the rest deserve far better than this showing, though I’m not sure they’re going to get it with the current regime. Under everybody’s radar ex Blade David Brookes really caught the eye on MOTD. Half man- half Bambi the diaphanous winger seemed to pop up in the danger zone time and time again. £2.6m if you’re really feeling brave or really stupid.

Castro, Moutinho, and Jimenez all hit the woodwork as for the second time in as many weeks Wolves found themselves playing ten men, yet seemed unable to seize the initiative. After a twenty minute Old Gold onslaught Leicester were handed a gift when Matt Doherty put Albrighton’s cross expertly into his own net with a bullet header. After an eye-catching debut at Old Trafford young James Maddison showed good composure to slot home from the ‘D’ right on the half time whistle which neither side deserved. Traore and Bonatini caused City further problems after their half time introductions, but the latter skied their only real opportunity. Wolves are playing well but need to be more clinical and a little less flamboyant. Leicester got away with one here which is more than can be said for Jamie Vardy whose petulant swipe at Doherty incurred the wrath of Mike Dean, and who will miss two league games. Apologies to anyone who recruited the idiot on my last week recommendation. Sheesh.

Watford’s twin-pronged attack were too much of a handful for a Burnley rear guard which seemed to be suffering a post European hangover after their one-nil thrashing of Besiktas Bicycle Club or whatever they were called. The Horns were ahead after just three minutes after a beautifully constructed counter-attack in which Messrs’ Gray & Deeney flitted hither and thither like a pair of hippos on roller skates, the latter setting up the former for a fine one touch running finish against his former employers. The Clarets were level before you could draw breath with James Tarkowski doing the honours from a Gundmundsson corner. An even first half came and went but once again the home side were asleep at the kick off when a loose ball fell to Doucoure whose slider through the Burnley back four was perfection, and Deeney was never going to miss. You’d still have fancied Dyche’s diehards to get something from the game, but in a moment of rare stupidity Matt Lowton squared to Hughes who sped towards Hart’s goal and let rip from the edge of the box to seal the deal. I’m steering clear of the Golden Boys for now but keeping faith in the Burnley defence – largely because I can’t find a viable alternative.

Finally, down with the wines and spirits, a trip to fortress Cardiff City for the visit of Newcastle which gave us our first chance to have a rummage through Neil Warnock’s ramparts. Nil-nil and there wasn’t much by way of football worth the ink. There was some entertainment in the form of a comedy cameo from Robert Kenedy who seems to have completely lost his marbles, and should have been dismissed for booting Camarasa in the shins. Righteously the visitors were eventually reduced to ten men when Isaac Hayden was given his marching orders for going through the back of Josh Murphy. Kenedy then capped a dismal performance by fluffing an injury time penalty. Craig Pawson missed a couple of bad challenges but overall did well to stop the midfield skirmishes escalating into all out warfare. Congratulations also to the latterday Marco Polos of the Toon army, who, as always turned up en masse despite as the almost Machiavellian plotting of the fixtures goblins.

UPDATE:

‘A week’, as Harold Wilson famously observed, ‘is a long time in politics’, and it can be even longer in fantasy football. Week two, almost inevitably, induced a fall from grace. Plenty of Agueros and Mendys but somehow always in the wrong teams. The week’s average was fifty, but with a piffling four clean sheets defensive points were hard to find which I think tended to militate against balanced teams and certainly did against yours truly. The Starting XI leader is on a worrying 176 which is probably a Liverpool block, as is my best shot which sits just outside the top 1,000 on 152

Given the roulette wheel of rotation at the Etihad many, myself included have been migrating to the more predictable Liverpool tyros – Sane to Mane being the favoured move on Monday. Though it’s generally agin’ my principals to have more than one mid from each team, I can’t help but think City and Liverpool will outscore the rest by a distance and I now have Mane and Salah in many teams – the odd Milner thrown in where funds wouldn’t quite stretch. However Silva (D) as a centre mid ought to be less prone to tinkering and is cheaper than Sterling or Mahrez. After a torrid start Arsenal’s fixtures move into what should be a purple patch. I have little confidence in their defence but there ought to be goals at the other end. Aubameyang seems to be first pick and is getting into approximately the right areas at approximately the right time

Before I close many thanks to jobmesiter, Gonzague, murf and Spiney for leaving their calling cards.

TTFN

EE

[brencarr]

Shaw-shanked redemption .... genius!

[johnnyhp]

A jolly good read old man , well done

[murf]

Flip flops with socks? I will never converse with you again old man. Damn, too late.

Actually the real sign of old age is getting your first tattoo. - of your name and address "just in case".

[Tom QC]

You watched Gilzean?! I am, as I'm reliably informed the youngsters say these days (at least in Essex), "weljel".

Great write-up Eddie, many highlights this week! Couldn't agree with you more about West Ham's owners.

[Jamjack]

Great write up as always Eddie. Interesting to pick up on your warmth towards the enigmatic Theo Walnut.

Having dabbled with my affections many times in the past I’ve managed to get him out of my system over the last season or so. Whilst watching MOTD over the last couple of weekends I confess that I too have sensed old feelings stir and have wondered if an old flame should be rekindled.

I’ve decided that the rule of “never go back” should be applied. I’ve been let down too many times. You’ll make up your own mind I’m sure. Just be sure not to give your heart away too easily. He is a big tease...

[theo29]

Eddies weekly column definitely the FISO highlight. Surrounded by countless FPL comments it is good to see a TFF stalwart with a substantial weekly snap-shot of the Prem activities. Presumably the Deux deluxe by-line is to honour Lloris and his 'ami's' for their WC success. The 'whistlers' get a mention too. Never seen that before on a FISO thread !

[Spinynorman]

Always good to have a chuckle whilst being informed.

[harryhodge]

Superb read, as always Eddie!