EDDIE ELBOWS: Week One Shufti

[Eddie Elbows]

Evening all and welcome back to the hardest game known to man. Just thought I’d have a shufti through the week one runners and riders. I’m not doing the full length columns this year as my arthritis makes holding onto the quills rather painful. Less reading however will leave you all more time for growing your own vegetables and making your own shoes in advance of a no-deal Brexit.

WEEK 1

Well, after just 90 minutes or so of Association Football the title would appear to be Manchester City’s to lose, unless Chelsea can play Huddersfield every week, in which case it might be a close run thing. The arrival of Riyad Mahrez has added another unwanted selection variable for us to chew on, as has the emergence of cheap-as-chips option Silva (B) who has developed an appetite for goals in his most recent games. Guardiola’s benching of Leroy Sane for Raheem Sterling was a precursor of many a slap in the mush managers look likely to receive this year at the hands of capricious Catalan. The player that really caught the eye at the Emirates was Bernard Mendy whose brace of assists and cleany sees him joint top the week one scorecard with fellow left back Andrew Robertson. At £4m and £3.8m respectively these two won’t have the bank manager outside on a ledge and both seem fairly rotation-proof. Arsenal are in transition and were second best by some distance. They did improve with the second half introduction of the pace of Lacazette, but never really gave Ederson too much to worry about, which is more than can be said for Ederson whose mind went completely blank at one point and he nearly presented Ozil with a tap-in.

I’m not sure what to make of Chelsea this year. There are too many unknown unknowns. Much I think will depend on whether they can stop Hazard and Kante following Courtois through the ‘out’ door. A three-nil victory at the John Smiths looks convincing enough, but a dodgy penalty and a late sucker punch by Hazard and Pedro put a rather glossy finish on a less than sparkling start. Indeed it might not have been quite such a comfortable debut for cigarette-chomper Maurizio Sarri (a man after my own heart), had Steve Mounie not headed against the post with the score at one-nil to the visitors. Huddersfield are about evens for relegation this time around and the bookies don’t often get it wrong. At least Wagner has managed to secure Lossl, Hadergjonaj and Kongolo for another year’s unremitting grind.

Liverpool are expected to push City close this term given their strengthening in key areas but I still take the Citizens to be ten points clear when the fat tart warbles. Salah has made TFF a ten man game already with his staggering 70% approval rating. Mane has a lot of fanciers too as he looks in form and is expected by some to be the penalty king, but I am yet to be convinced and I’d back James Milner if it comes to a fist fight. Nobby Keita who had a fine debut and ended up wide on the left might be worth keeping tabs on. Robertson could become a must have, and TAA would also seem good VFM if he can keep Clyne out of the picture. I can visualise suave Manuel Pellegrini, Martini in hand, cutting a dash at the yacht club dance, but I don’t rate him as a manger, I’m dubious about three of his signings and overall I think the Hammers could be in a spot of bother this term. True Marco Arnautovic is a one man army but they play five of the top clubs in the next ten weeks so it’s no-go Marco for me.

Once again Old Trafford looks like the place to be if stultifying boredom is your bag. One hopes they have defibrillators in all the stands just in case anybody’s pulse actually stops completely. Leading 1-0 from Paul Pogba’s early penalty United withdrew into a the Mourinho crab-in-a-crag formation allowing Leicester the run of the park, and De Gea was a busy boy denying Gray, the impressive debutante James Maddison and others. Luke Shaw un-blotted his Man U copybook with a late clincher in a rare moment of quality. There was still time for J Vardy esq to pull one back keeping up last year’s end-of-season form which saw the former Cod Army ace net eight in ten games. The Foxes have a decent run coming up and with the big money forwards elsewhere failing to fire so far Albert Steptoe Jnr. may just be a sound differential investment. If there’s any value in Mourinho’s lot it’s likely to be in defence again with Bailly and De Gea my picks for now. Lukaku will undoubtedly have his hot streaks but predicting them requires a Faustian pact, and Sanchez played on Friday as if he’d spent the closed season on a tour Moss Side’s crack houses. All in all there’s just not enough crust on Joe’s pie.

With Daniel Levy mortgaged up to the gills and Mike Ashley playing real life Monopoly on Britain’s high streets Pochettino and Benitez were two other managers who had been holding up their bowls and asking the beadle for ‘more’. At least Newcastle managed to secure Dubravka and to borrow Kennedy for another season. Tottenham were a long way off top gear here - hardly surprising the extent of their World Cup involvement - yet they managed to get out of St James’ Park with three points albeit with their pants on fire. Headers from Vertonghen, Joselu and Alli saw the visitors two-one up after a pel mel first twenty minutes. Spurs missed a further couple of chances but the Toon hit the woodwork twice and a dreadful first touch let Kennedy let the Brazilian down when through one-on-one with Lloris, and thereby hangs a tale. For Spurs Sanchez is beginning to look a proper menace under set pieces, Alli is getting into the box again and Eriksen is as close to God and as dependable as the Pope’s Rolex. All they need to do is put some dynamite sauce on Harry Kane’s kippers and they’ll be back in business. For Spurs though the best news is that Dembele and Alderweireld haven’t managed to tunnel out of Stalag Levy yet. Newcastle were extremely unlucky not to get the point their efforts deserved here, but the fixture boffins have been unkind and I’m giving them a wide berth for now.

Bournemouth’s brand of devil-may-care attacking makes their forwards a very attractive proposition short and medium term, with private Fraser, King and Wilson all looking likely to deliver mid -priced dividends. Cardiff on the other hand looked a bit of a basket case which was unpleasant viewing for yours truly as I have been mis sold Callum Patterson as an enabler. The Bluebirds did improve in the second half – but that wasn’t difficult. Neil Warnock had cited goal scoring as a potential problem for the upcoming crusade, and they certainly looked pretty toothless here. Having seen their lumbering defenders in action however I think they look under equipped at both ends. Allegedly the Cardiff City Stadium was a bit of a fortress last season and there’s nothing more the Welsh like than tipping boiling oil on the visiting English fans. We’ll see.

As one of the 83% of managers who said non! to Ryan Sessegnon, Saturday’s performance was balm to my soul. Fulham though they looked attractive with the ball will struggle if Mitrovic’s profligacy was anything to go by. They also seemed to have had run out of batteries by half time and were completely useless without the ball. Having said that Hennessey was in stellar form in the visitor’s goal and Andre Schurrle would schurrely have been awarded a penalty on any other day. Palace in contrast were happy to work their nuts off during the Cottagers 66% possession and to hit them on the counter. Like the Cherries I think the Eagles will be a good source of mid-priced booty in the short and medium term. Even Ben Techy looks as if he’s managed to keep away from the pie shop for a couple of months. Zaha is an obvious fancy but I think there could be value all across the Palace midfield. Milivojevic netted eight times (five from the spot) last term, Townsend is well priced and even the cheapest option wee James McArthur can have a habit of popping up with the odd goal when given a run of games. The stars of Saturday’s show however were Leicester defector Jeffrey Schlupp, PVA, and Wan-Bissaka all of whom contributed offensively, and the first two have been scoring for fun in preseason. A six man Palace defence would have netted an amazing 46 points.

Watford, who appeared to be playing in borrowed Fenerbache shirts gave Brighton a right tonking at Vicarage Road thanks to two inspired moments from Roberto Pereyra and the fact that the Nancy Boys were not at the races. Tomer Hemed who has been ripping up trees in pre-season was not even in the Chris Hughton’s squad and the visitors didn’t manage an effort on target all afternoon. These two have been handed early season fixtures that look grizzly in the extreme and are fifth and third favourites for the drop. I don’t intend to make matters worse for them by selecting any of their players.

Wolves, as was the general feeling before the big KO, look by far the best qualified of the new boys to survive the Prem’s slings and arrows. Diogo Jota was a name much bandied on FISO but it was another of their huge Portuguese contingent Ruben Neves who took the plaudits after his goal and assist in this engaging two all draw. Despite a mixed fixture list Neves looks an absolute steal at £3.4m though I fancy their defence will be less than bomb proof if Santo continues with this gung-ho tactics. Everton will consider themselves unfortunate to have gone back up the M SIX without all three points especially having lead twice and having played half the match with ten men. I’m not sure what to expect Toffee-wise this year. There ought to be some value at both ends. Pickford and Coleman look a reasonable picks especially considering the former's ability against penalties. Given Silva’s penchant for counter-attacking I had fancied Theo Walcott’s pace to be a potent weapon this season but all the fireworks were on the other flank at Molineux, and if Richarlison’s brace is a sign of things to come £3.8m is silly money. For now however I’m backing the jet-heeled Englander against the erratic Brazilian.

Week one’s only goalless game was as unmemorable as the score line suggests. The Clarets had the run of things in the first half but mustered only two chances the best of which was spurned by Lennon who shot straight at McCarthy (no gags) from eight yards. Saints perked up fifteen minutes into the second period with the arrival of Ings and Elyounoussi and a change of formation but there were still slim pickings for adrenalin junkies. Westwood nearly put through his own net, Stevens shot straight at Hart and Ings had a reasonable penalty shout declined right at the death. Then came the best bit – the final whistle. Predictions of a difficult season for Burnley seem wide of the mark to me and I think there will still be mileage in the Clarets cast iron defence. Saints are difficult to gauge, but Hughes seems to have bought sensibly. Redmond is cheap, Ings is cheap and can finish, and I’m told Elyounoussi could be a prospect.

UPDATE:

The week one average was forty-three which isn’t particularly high yet somehow it feels that way, especially as the best starting XI has ninety-seven points. Given the post-Russia unknowns my strategy – and I use the term loosely - was to have at least two players from the Friday night game in each team, and bring in desirable players as and when the weekend teams were announced. This has resulted in a meteoric start for Equipe Eddie with four teams in the top thousand the best of which is 214th but obviously at a cost. Let’s see how it pans out.

Well that’s all for now. On next week’s show we’ll have a limbo-dancing kangaroo, the founder of the national toothpick museum, and a man claims that Theresa May is not bonkers.

EE

[murf]

Cheers. Always wondered how you spell shoofty, sorry, shufti. Dictionary wouldn't tell me unless I managed to spell it correctly. I couldn't. About as successful as my early enabler purchases.

[Spinynorman]

Awesome, incisive and informative as always and full of chuckles as well.

Cheers to you Mr Elbows.

[murf]

shufti

A word of Arabic origin meaning "look!" Was brought back to Britain after the last world cup by returning TFF players who had learnt the word from Arab peddlars of cheap enablers. The peddlars used to keep the Panini stickers of the enablers hidden inside their coats and would show them to soldiers saying "Shufti, shufti!" - "Look, look!"

[Eddie Elbows]

shufti

A word of Arabic origin meaning "look!" Was brought back to Britain after the last world cup by returning TFF players who had learnt the word from Arab peddlars of cheap enablers. The peddlars used to keep the Panini stickers of the enablers hidden inside their coats and would show them to soldiers saying "Shufti, shufti!" - "Look, look!"

That's how I ended up getting Patterson and Coady Murph.

[Gonzague]

Everton will consider themselves unfortunate to have gone back up the M1 without all three points especially having lead twice and having played half the match with ten men. I’m not sure what to expect Toffee-wise this year.


EE

M6 old boy unless Everton are using the dodgy Binatone Sat Nav I once bought at Argos...

[Eddie Elbows]

Everton will consider themselves unfortunate to have gone back up the M1 without all three points especially having lead twice and having played half the match with ten men. I’m not sure what to expect Toffee-wise this year.


EE

M6 old boy unless Everton are using the dodgy Binatone Sat Nav I once bought at Argos...

I have edited the mistake out so now everyone will think you're weird.

[Gonzague]

Everton will consider themselves unfortunate to have gone back up the M1 without all three points especially having lead twice and having played half the match with ten men. I’m not sure what to expect Toffee-wise this year.


EE

M6 old boy unless Everton are using the dodgy Binatone Sat Nav I once bought at Argos...

I have edited the mistake out so now everyone will think you're weird.

Too kind old boy! I've finally made it !

[jobmeister]

Fantastic and entertaining write up as usual - Eddie

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