EDDIE ELBOWS: Manna from Kevin

[Eddie Elbows]

Hello, good evening and welcome to the Eddie Elbows column, the fantasy football equivalent of International Rescue. Apologies for the late posting, but I was determined to watch the Madrid v Tottenham game last night. I’ve also been laid up after aggravating an old back injury that I did way back when I had my two bob a week student flat, aka the Rumpy-Pumpy Palace. I don’t know about you but I never managed to get past page five of the Karma Sutra without doing myself a mischief. On this particular occasion I was entertaining an usherette from the Gaumont. I was attempting some outlandish position and I remember thinking to myself ‘ My God, these Indian fellows must be made of rubber’ just before my foot slipped off the bedside table and I ended up in a heap on the floor screaming in agony covered in ash and cigar buts. The point is do not be tempted. We English chaps are cut from a different cloth, and should restrict ourselves only to the tried and tested, standard Edwardian ‘shotgun’ positions, Over, Under and Side-By-Side. At a pinch the Double Barrel is acceptable if you have company round. Anyway time has its marching trousers on so let’s get on to the meat and two veg of WEEK 10:.

LIVERPOOL 0 MANCHESTER UNITED INC 0

First up Anfield, where the Kopites had the better of first forty-five and dominated the second, but were kept at bay largely by MOTM David de Gea and some hand-to-hand combat in the eighteen yard box. No score at half time, no score at full time. All in all I think I’ve had more fun having boils lanced. When new Tottenham manager Jacques Santini took Spurs to Stamford Bridge in 2004 and put eleven men behind the ball the Special One called it ‘parking the bus’. However United’s über defensive performance on Saturday was all about in-depth tactical analysis, meticulous planning, and methodical preparation, and was definitely not ‘parking the bus’, because if it had been that would make Mourinho a Hypocrite wouldn’t it.

This was nil-nil last season and if Mourinho is still in charge it will probably be nil-nil next year, and the year after that. Yes, nobody poops parties like the Portuguese, and I’ve heard rumours that the powers that be in TFF towers are considering reclassifying all Manchester United players as defenders next season if he stays. Whatever the pros and cons this was the Manc’s seventh shut-out of the campaign. Valencia, Jones and De Gea are now all in the top five as is Lukaku whose star is beginning to wane somewhat. Liverpool are still flattering to deceive and are hampered by a lack of variety up front.

CRYSTAL PALACE 2 CHELSEA 1

The first bombshell the week, turning the bookies into roly poly, laughing policemen, was Crystal Palace’s narrow but remarkable win over a Chelsea XI whose superior quality on its own was just not enough. Wilf Zaha returned to the fray and completely transformed the bottom-huggers with a MOTM match performance and the winning goal. With Hodgson’s Battle of Britain speech still ringing in their ears the Eagles set about the visitors with gusto. A combination of Cabaye and Dave put the Eagles ahead only for Bakayoko to equalize with a towering header. But just before the interval Zaha slalomed through the visitor’s rear guard and despatched the winner with aplomb, or possibly even two plombs. Chelsea pressed on after the break and Fabregas did grace the woodwork, but Woy’s boys were always a threat, and but for an inexplicable miss by van Aanholt could have run out comfortable winners.

Palace’s hard graft carried the day, but for a side with Chelsea’s capacious wedge to go into the new season without two recognised strikers was just plain daft, and it’s looking dafter by the day. With both these two missing their first choice front men it was time for the managers to earn their nosebag, and Woy may just have stumbled on his best XI, a 4-4-2 with McArthur and Schlupp protecting the full backs while Zaha and the impressive Townsend did the damage at the sharp end. Conte opted for Batshuayi flanked by Willian, and Hazard. It didn’t work. It wasn’t just a case of struggling to find their gears, they couldn’t even seem to release the hand brake. Chelsea are so ‘last year’ don’t you think?

WATFORD 2 ARSENAL 1

The second week ten coupon-buster came at Vicarage Road where things seemed to be going according to the great cosmic plan with the Arsenal one up at half time, and whoever detailed half-man / half-hobbit Tom Cleverley to mark 9ft Per Mertesacker at corners should be taken outside, shot, poisoned, and stabbed. Ozil from the bench had a gilt-edged chance to put the game to bed but poked the ball harmlessly at Gomes. Nice shiny hair but rather lacklustre finishing I mused. Having trailed for over half an hour the Horns were saved by an extremely dodgy penalty converted by Deeney after Richarlison had gone down like a sack of King Edwards in the box. Having muffed half a dozen chances worse was in store for the Wenger boys. Two minutes into added time. Richarlison’s goal bound effort ricocheted off Mertesacker straight in to the path of the unmarked Cleverley who gleefully smashed the ball into the unguarded net.

What are the odds of Watford finishing above Arsenal this season I wondered as I tackled a plateful of kedgeree the other morning. No doubt Hertfordshire’s finest have been the season’s surprise package, and on current form Arsenal would have trouble beating Arsenal Ladies, but for me the difference is character, which the Golden Boys have in spades yet seems conspicuous by its absence in the other dressing room. Whilst they’re both keeping their heads above water offensively both sides need to get to grips with the dark arts of defending. Watford have now conceded six goals from set pieces whereas Arsenal’s ‘Charge of the Light Brigade’ tactics leaves them vulnerable to counter attacks. Gomes had a good game. Doucoure? Richarlison? Search me.

BURNLEY 1 WEST HAM 1

Burnley struggled to get the better of a West Ham side reduced to ten men after wor Andy saw red for trying to decapitate Ben Mee. Mee had a pretty torrid afternoon all things considered being wholly at fault for the Hammers’ goal. Hart’s hoof upfield came out of the sky with snow on it and the defender completely misread the flight allowing Antonio to collect before rounding Pope and slotting home the opener. Diggles’ Deliverance came with five minutes to go in the form of a Gudmundsson cross and Chris Wood’s concrete head.

Bilic welcomed back Lanzini and Arnautovic and with relatively benign fixtures on the cards we may perhaps finally see the West Ham sluice gates open. Antonio is off the mark and with Carroll suspended Hernandez looks a proposition. A bit of a wobble for Sean Dyche’s so solid crew here but a point’s better than kick in the unmentionables. Wood was a menace throughout and they have a decent run after next Saturday’s trip to the Emirates when Ward and Pope owners would be well advised to get out the brandy and the tranquilizers.

MAN CITY 7 (seven) STOKE CITY 2 - It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. . . . .

At the Etihad a tale of two Citys. From a Potters perspective you don’t really want to be going to the Etihad with half your defence missing, but whatever you do you must at least compete, and they never really looked like doing that despite an unlikely brace which momentarily brought the score back to 3-2. They say money can’t buy happiness but it can buy you a Kevin de Bruyne, and if he carries on like this he could become the most famous thing to come out of Belgium since the saxophone. His performance here was nothing short of sublime. The subtle curling of the ball and feather light weight of pass was not of this world, and the burgeoning near telepathic understanding with the son of God puts me in mind of Romario and Bebeto in their pomp.

Stoke have an extremely advantageous run coming up but I am not tempted. Arsenal at home excepted, The Citizens have a glorious programme between now and the end of November, and as I asked in my week seven missive ‘ can you really afford to have less than three city outfielders in your team’. My solution, where possible, has been to go for KDB, Jesus and one other of Sterling, Sane or Silva (D) who are currently covered by a napkin in the rankings. Sterling is the cheaper option, but both he and Sane have been deemed surplus to requirements when Mendy is fit, and I fancy Silva will get more starts Yer pays yer money. . . .

SWANSEA 2 HUDDERSFIELD TOWN 0

Low scoring Huddersfield travelled to even lower scoring Swansea for what looked like a nailed on nil-nil draw, but a brace for Tammy Abraham either side of the interval sealed the Swans first home win of the campaign, and perhaps more significantly Tom Carroll finally loosened his points-scoring pants and let rip. Having quelled the early Swansea storm the visitors settled down well and Ince Jr. skied the best chance of the match from six yards. They looked to be heading into the hutch all square but Jonas Lossl who had made several fine saves completely lost his marbles passing straight to Carroll who squared for Abraham to side foot home without breaking stride. David Wagner who had benched the globetrotting Aaron Mooey introduced the Aussie for the second half but his first contribution was to accidentally prod the ball into the path of Ayew whose chip shot was rather selfishly helped over the line by Abraham. A van La Parra deflected effort graced the bar but it would have been too little and too late.

Two sides heading in opposite directions here. Judging by their five yellow cards the Yorkshiremen made a good scrap of this but a lack of quality at the sharp end is beginning to tell. After a promising start they have a really gruesome looking calendar and are looking increasingly like this year’s Middlesbrough. The Swans au contraire are on the up and have three winnable home games coming up. Only Abrahams (2%) and Mawson (1%) have any kind of TFF following, so this fourth clean sheet might tempt braver managers looking for a differential or two.

BRIGHTON 1 EVERTON 1

All square at the Amex including most of Everton’s passing. A goalless but pretty even first forty-five saw defences on top, but Brighton did everything but win it in the second, and then nearly lost it with the last kick of the game. Chances were at a premium throughout, but the breakthrough finally came ten minutes from time, when Izquierdo’s blocked shot ended up at the feet of Morgan Schneiderlin. Gross nipped in, nicked the ball off his toes and prodded it square into the area where Knockeart delivered the coup de grâce. Brown might have made it two-nil, but then a moment of madness from Bruno handed the Toffees a barely deserved penalty which Wazza tucked away. Matt Ryan had to be at his best producing a fine double save in added time, and a good job too or there’d have been a riot.

Watching Everton this season has been like watching Laurel & Hardy delivering a piano, Ronnie K is not inspiring confidence, and there is certainly a shortage of quality up front. What I thought might prove to be defensive dividends show no signs of coming either. All in all I’d rather be in Philadelphia. Brighton are a tight unit and Chris Hughton seems to have just about enough quality to stay up. Pascal Gross’ (8%) fourth key contib of the season sees him move up to fifth in the VFM table, and given their reasonable looking run has to be a good punt.

TOTTENHAM 1 BOURNEMOUTH 0

Spurs, perhaps with their minds on Madrid notched up their first EPL win at Wemberley, but it was a damned close squeak, and it took some good fortune as well as a wonder save from Hugo Lloris. Bournemouth started the better and Stanislas might have done better with an early chance before Lloris’ Spider-man reflexes prevented Erik Dier putting through his own net. The winner when it came was a lovely finish from Eriksen but there was a fortuitous deflection off a defender that set him up. Eddie Howe (nice name) who had started with five across the back called on Defoe, Ibe, and Mousset to try to rescue something and Tottenham were hanging on a bit towards the end.

Bournemouth worked their socks off here and on another day might have got the point their endeavours probably deserved. Kane had a couple of reasonable chances but otherwise a quiet game. Pochettino at least got some more mileage out of Winks, Son and Sissoko’s legs. With only three assists in the last five, expensive Alli is beginning to try the patience especially when there are such rich pickings on offer elsewhere, and I’m eying up a possible wholesale migration to Man City midfielders on 28th October.

SOUTHAMPTON 2 NEWCASTLE 2

You have to wonder whether prohibitionists haven’t got hold of the Premier league calendar this year. This is the fourth time the Mags have been handed the short straw of the Sunday late kick off, and only those with motorbikes or private jets stood any chance of getting back in time for a few wets. It just won’t do. Having said that the travelling Toon Army will be refreshed greatly by this performance which would have garnered three points but for a lunatic tackle by Lejuene which handed Saints the equalising penalty. Forgotten man Manolo Gabbiadini was the unlikely Southampton hero; trailing to Hayden’s first half volley the Italian lead Manquillo a merry dance before his cheeky reverse shot crept inside Elliot’s post. Within seconds United were back on top however. Perez, initially thwarted by Forster had a second bite of the cherry and beat the England man at his near post, and he won’t want to see that again. Saints got the bit between their teeth trying to force the win but it was the visitors who came closest to nicking it when LeJeune’s header was cleared off the line by the prescient Davis. Desmond.

Of the promoted sides Newcastle have looked the best bet and seem to be acclimatising gradually to the Premiership rigours. Ritchie’s value might have to be written down a bit due to Shelvey snaffling many of the set pieces. Card-magnet Shelvey is an EE no-go zone, but Lascelles could be an option. Saints just can’t get going this year, and given the easiest of starts I’m beginning to wonder whether they might not run into trouble when the fixtures stiffen up.

LEICESTER 1 WEST BROM 1

Bringing up the rear were Leicester and West Brom who played out a first half memorable only for some lamentable passing, but the players were suffering from wind. A Great save by Myhill from Simpson was the only first half moment to savour as the elements wreaked havoc. Then on the hour returnee Nacer Chadli flighted a supreme free kick from thirty-odd yards which Schmeichel could only stand and admire. A truly shocking miss from off-colour Mahrez did little to lift the mood, and I think it’s fair to say the Algerian has had his motivation called into question by the Foxes faithful recently. However the wily winger was to have the last laugh after substitutes Chillwell and Slimani combined to set him up for a chest and volley that wrong footed Barry before nestling in the far corner of Myhills net. The Foxes tails were up but a Maguire effort which stung Myhill’s palms was the closest they came to seizing the day.

West Brom’s horror fixtures should deter all but the desperate and the deranged. Leicester like Southampton just can’t seem to find any kind of momentum. Vardy blanked here but did have a couple of sniffs. Maguire and Albrighton were outstanding.

UPDATE:

Twenty-eight goals but only four clean sheets produced a week ten average of thirty-five, a joint season low. My best team went up to the mid 2000s despite being hampered by Ramsey and Bailly’s absences, and a lack of Kevins, but I did use three transfers bringing in Kane, Jesus and Gross. Kev The Brown’s one, two, three, four, five assists meant he was the week ten *STAR MAN* and took the sandy-haired scallywag to the very top of the TFF tree. Well done that man. Well done also to Tottenham who kept the British end up in the Bernabéu last night despite carrying Sissoko. Harry Winks must be floating on air. Oh and congratulations to whoever knocked Ed Sheeran off his bike. Apparently this has jeopardised his tour, and that deserves recognition for services to music and to humanity.

Just a reminder it’s West Ham v Brighton next Friday night. Make a date for eight and don’t be late.

Chin-chin.

EE