Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

[morganb]

"The Fifa president, secretary general and communications director
are all travelling in a car. Who's driving?

The police."


Ex-Fifa communications director Walter De Gregorio

[AMc]

.

[crispybits]

What's the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?

[Alchemist]

A Man walks into a Zoo, to find it only has one animal in the entire Zoo, a dog – it's a Shitzu

[Alchemist]

'Our Cilla' has died and gone to Heaven, she's 'God's Cilla' now. So expect her to be attacking Tokyo in the upcoming weeks.

[pulpfiction]

The old goats are playing the young goats in the final of the goat cup.

The old goats are winning 5-0.

Alan Hansen strolls past and sees the score.

He says. I told you - You can't win anything with kids.

[foxinthebox2001]

The old goats are playing the young goats in the final of the goat cup.

The old goats are winning 5-0.

Alan Hansen strolls past and sees the score.

He says. I told you - You can't win anything with kids.

Are there not any stipulations in the FISO T&C's that jokes should be at least mildly funny?

[DrBunker]

Does this help?

Top 10 fringe gags:

Darren Walsh : "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free."
Stewart Francis: "Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West."
Adam Hess: "Surely every car is a people carrier?"
Masai Graham: "What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter."
Dave Green: "If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go."
Mark Nelson: "Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas."
Tom Parry: "Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day."
Alun Cochrane: "The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves."
Simon Munnery: "Clowns divorce. Custardy battle."
Grace The Child: "They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..."

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2015/08/25 ... ringe_gag/

[murf]

Some of these are actually better:

The judges also released a list of jokes which just missed out on the shortlist.
"I never lie on my CV…because it creases it." - Jenny Collier
"If you don't know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself" - Ian Smith
"I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time" - Tom Ward
"Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't" - Gyles Brandreth
"Let me tell you a little about myself. It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'" - Ally Houston
"Earlier this year I saw "The Theory of Everything" - loved it. Should've been called "Look Who's Hawking", that's my only criticism" - James Acaster

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-e ... e-34039927

[Alchemist]

The Champions League draw has caused a lot of interesting matches.

Mourinho is going back to Porto.
Di Maria is going back to Real Madrid.
Memphis Depay is going back to PSV.
Liverpool are going back to watching Emmerdale

[Darbyand]

Waiter: You're married with a kid when you could be having fun with me. So, what'll it be, sir?

Customer: Can I hear the Specials again?

[sted]

A Man walks into a Zoo, to find it only has one animal in the entire Zoo, a dog – it's a Shitzu

Postby jeffersdn » 09 Nov 2005 04:22 pm

A man goes to the zoo.
When he gets there, there is only a dog.
It was a shitzu

Keep up man!

[murf]

A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a Liverpool courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in
keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity
be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the
judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out
that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that
domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took
the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have
custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer
with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to
Everton Football Club whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of
beating anyone.

[sted]

A Man walks into a Zoo, to find it only has one animal in the entire Zoo, a dog – it's a Shitzu

Postby jeffersdn » 09 Nov 2005 04:22 pm

A man goes to the zoo.
When he gets there, there is only a dog.
It was a shitzu

Keep up man!

Postby Mark R » 29 Nov 2005 10:20 am

Man went to a zoo.

The only animal there was a dog.

It was a sh1t zoo.

FFS

[sted]

A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a Liverpool courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in
keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity
be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the
judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out
that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that
domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took
the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have
custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer
with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to
Everton Football Club whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of
beating anyone.

....and you can eff off too

[Alchemist]

A Man walks into a Zoo, to find it only has one animal in the entire Zoo, a dog – it's a Shitzu

Postby jeffersdn » 09 Nov 2005 04:22 pm

A man goes to the zoo.
When he gets there, there is only a dog.
It was a shitzu

Keep up man!

I'm being environmentally friendly and recycling the jokes.....

[unc.si.]

I never wanted to believe my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I went home all the signs were there

[Backlash]

What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

[Alchemist]

Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.....

[wahine]

Teacher to kids

write down what your Daddy does for a living

kids all scribble and giggle, and one by one explain that Daddy builds houses, drives a truck, works in a bank.....flies aero planes, trains horses ( poor bustard ), owns a dairy......except for little Rupert who has he's head buried in his hands a tears running down his spotty little face.

teacher puts her arm around little Rupert and says Rupee, tell us about your Dad's job

Rupert sobbing says my Dad works as a male stripper at a gay club in Soho, and sometime he doesn't come home, Mum stays up all night waiting for him, and other men do awful things to him, he sells himself to sailors and Labour Party politicians for money.......by this time the oooohs and ahhhhs from the other kids are too much so teacher ushers them outside, returns to little Rupert and asks, Rupee, is that all true, it's terrible....

No Miss, he plays for the the English rugby team but I'm too embarrassed to say so.

[Alchemist]

Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own.
The IRB Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:

1.. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world.

2. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.

3.. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.

4.. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the match stewards.

5.. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.

6.. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called 'Saving No.8 Lyle'.

7.. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom.

8.. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.

9.. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be heard.

10.. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).

11.. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much to the delight of the WELSH) and burn the officials.

12.. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush."

13.. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following representations from the RSPCA.

[Backlash]

Better plan for ham this Christmas, as I doubt there will be any Turkey left.

[Alchemist]

I don't like jokes about the Holocaust, Anne Frankly, there not very funny either...

[Spinynorman]

A little boy asks his Dad,"Where does poo come from"?.

"Your digestive system is made up of several organs that work together to break your food down into its simplest parts.One way to think about the digestive system is like an assembly line in a factory,it's being taken apart. After the colon has absorbed all the goodness it can,the stuff hardens and is moved to the rectum,where it waits for you to go to the toilet".

"Blimey" says the boy,"Where does Tigger come from then"?.

[Tacalabala]

[jimmy ching]

I was partying last night. In the early hours I started hearing
'Mummy, Mummy, Mummy'
I thought here we go, it's Mothering Sunday, until I realised it was Connor McGregor on the tele.

[Alchemist]

"Who did James Hunt beat to the F1 world championship?"
"Lauda"
"WHO DID JAMES HUNT BEAT TO THE F1 WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP?"

[Arthur Seaton]

How much does a pirate pay for his earrings?

About a buck an ear!

[Arthur Seaton]

I went to a new restaurant and had the pelican with chips and salad, it was very nice, but the bill was enormous!

[Arthur Seaton]

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'magic`. Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!!


"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!

She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled...................

So I told her to f*%k off.