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Moist von Lipwig
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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by Moist von Lipwig »

top 10 from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival


1. "I've decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust." – Tim Vine

2. "I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set." – Masai Graham

3. "Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief." – Mark Watson

4. "I was given some sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number 1s and number 2s." – Bec Hill

5. "I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me." – Ria Lina

6. "Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal." – Paul F Taylor

7. "Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying." – Scott Capurro

8. "I forgot my inflatable Michael Gove, which is a shame 'cause halfway through he disappears up his own bottom." – Kevin Day

9. "I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven." – Jason Cook

10. "This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it." – Felicity Ward

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by murf »

Moist von Lipwig wrote:top 10 from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival

1. "I've decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust." – Tim Vine
Vine, 47, saw his joke scoop almost a fifth of the votes in the competition run by comedy television channel, Dave. It is the first time the award has been presented to a previous winner.

On being crowned this year's winner, Vine said: "I'm a little bit surprised but very delighted. This is the second time I've won this award but I guess nobody loves a repeat more than Dave."

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by murf »

After the Daily Mail exposed Malky Mackay as a homophobic, sexist, racist, he has now been offered the job as their editor.

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by Latic »

A study in Cosmopolitan magazine has found that obese men make better lovers, lasting an average of 48 minutes.

However, 46 of those minutes are spent looking for their cocks.

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Post by the dude abides »

Arsenal are gutted to have lost out on signing Falcao, but they were unable to contact Arsene Wenger in Rome today , as he refused to pay for data roaming....

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Post by Darbyand »

Complete filth this and absolutely NSFW:


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Post by AKNel1 »

Why did the Baker have brown hands ?


He kneaded a poo :lol:

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by TheTon »

AKNel1 wrote:Why did the Baker have brown hands ?


He kneaded a poo :lol:
Genuine :lol: moment!!

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by 7lb claimer »

TheTon wrote:
AKNel1 wrote:Why did the Baker have brown hands ?


He kneaded a poo :lol:
Genuine :lol: moment!!

Oh to be young again :wink:

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TheTon
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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by TheTon »

7lb claimer wrote:
TheTon wrote:
AKNel1 wrote:Why did the Baker have brown hands ?


He kneaded a poo :lol:
Genuine :lol: moment!!

Oh to be young again :wink:
I hope I still have my sense of humour when I'm your age :wink:

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by murf »

Image

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Post by foxinthebox2001 »

Not bad.
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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by Latic »

Our goldfish died last night after my kids accidentally fed him small pieces of polystyrene.
I'm still trying to flush it down the toilet now.


My wife has never faked an orgasm with me.
She doesn't get enough time.

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Post by EzBloke »

DRIVERS save money on expensive brake replacement bills by using the car in front to help you stop

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Post by EzBloke »

Dear Kelly Brook, please consider me for your next fella as I am very loyal
Just ask my wife

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by EzBloke »

I've just been spear fishing
You would not believe how hard it is to catch spears

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by murf »

Image

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by Ralfbergs »

The evolution of Gareth Bale :D :

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by GregsEggs »

The new warm up routine:
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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by golden bear »

A Yorkshire farmer happens across a man drinking from a stream on his land. He shouts out "Eey up cock! That dunt wanna be suppin' from that watter cos it's full o' cow shit and hog piss".

The man replies " I'm sorry old chap. Could you speak slower so that I am able to understand you? I'm from London, you see".

The farmer replies "You want to use both hands so you don't spill any".

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by murf »

Everybody hates Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by morganb »

What is a Cornishman's favourite party game?

Pasty parcel

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by TheTon »

Someone from work asked me today where I see myself in 5 years time.

I said I've got no idea, I don't have 2020 vision...!

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by Backlash »

I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting.

I often wonder what she's up to now.

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by Backlash »

My racing snail was not winning races, So I decided to take his shell off to reduce his weight and make him more aerodynamic.

It didn't work if anything it has made him more sluggish.

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Post by paisleypark »

Just read and worth repeating for those who remember how Ball, Harvey and Kendall were described.

Everton have failed an Ofsted inspection and the School of Science has been put into special needs! :D

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Post by tedbull »

The Holy Trinity?

We were the school of science long before that.

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by jpk »

Knock knock

Who's there?

The Pilot.

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by Backlash »

jpk wrote:Knock knock

Who's there?

The Pilot.
:shock: a bit too soon I think!

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murf
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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by murf »

jpk wrote:Knock knock

Who's there?

The Pilot.
:shock: a bit too late I think - would have been funnier and more topical a fortnight ago :wink:

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