Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

[Richt]

I see the United States of America have got a gold medal in shooting today...... hardly bloody surprising is it?

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[Moist von Lipwig]

Top jokes from this years Fringe.

1."My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham
2."Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell
3."I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson
4."Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith
5."I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan
6."Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson
7."I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney
8."Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff
9."Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath
10."Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes
11."Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf
12."I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift
13."Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith
14."I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons
15."Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" - Phil Nicol

[scarletjim]

3, 7 and 9 are the winners for me from that bunch (though 10 of course is the cleverest). Lovely stuff.

Quick question though - if 7 was about any two other races than Americans and Canadians, would it be deemed racist and/or offensive? Not to me of course, I'm unoffendable but it's useful to understand where the line is (and indeed whether it's in different places for different people...) Meh, probably a conversation for another day on another thread...

[eastcentral1]

I don't understand 8?

[Moist von Lipwig]

I don't understand 8?

The Royal house of Tudor had a lot of Henrys in it. It's phonetic. Tudor = chewed her.

[eastcentral1]

Ugh, that's terrible. I got the Henry/Tudor connection, but not the "Tudor sounds kind of like chewed her" connection.

[Subsonic]

Hey, did you hear that Manchester United are thinking of rebranding as a rugby club? Apparently they like the idea of a sport where you can score loads of points by passing the ball backwards.

[Alchemist]

Went to see my farmer friend Pete. He was in his barn dancing naked around his John Deere. "What are you doing!" I asked . Pete stops dancing & says, "My wife has been ignoring me lately so I talked to my psychiatrist and he said I needed to do some thing sexy to a tractor."

[morganb]

Be very careful about drinking at this time of year, as we are getting close to Christmas the Police are out there in their numbers checking on people.

Last weekend I was out with a few mates and one thing led to another. I had a few too many beers, played some silly drinking games, then went onto the whisky......not a good idea! Knowing I was well over the limit, I decided to leave my car where it was and took a bus home. sure enough, the police were in the town centre pulling over drivers and breathalysing them.

Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.

[murf]

I just bought my wife a fridge as a christmas present.

I'm really looking forward to seeing her face light up when she opens it.

[morganb]

Well, I've got my missus a wooden leg for Christmas this year.

Don't worry, it's not her main present, just a stocking filler.

[Alchemist]

[Spinynorman]

Can anyone tie a rope using telekinesis?

Thought knot.

[Spinynorman]

At any given point in time, I find the urge to sing “the lion sleeps tonight” is just a whim away.

[Spinynorman]

Cleavage is like the Sun, you can glance at it for only a second, but if you wear sunglasses, you can look much longer.

[Spinynorman]

Auto correct is my worst enema.

[unc.si.]

I went to buy some camouflage trousers today.

Couldn't find any though.

[Spinynorman]

Are there loads of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

[Spinynorman]

Sexual Prime is not an autobot but a complete decepticon.

[Spinynorman]

How do you concede in a towel throwing contest?

[forestfan]

How do you concede in a towel throwing contest?

I don't know... punch your opponent perhaps?

[Spinynorman]

Fly spray should be called Disinsectant.

[Spinynorman]

Archaeologists have discovered that Pharaohs were always buried with their arms crossed over their chests because Egyptians believed a water-slide took them into the afterlife.

[Spinynorman]

Date an archaeologist, at least that way their interest in you will increase over time.

[Beerfuelledman]

I went to buy a new television in Currys yesterday, I told them I wanted one that was made in the UK. Just as they were scanning it at the till I noticed it said "Built in Antenna" on the box so I made them take it back. There was no way they were going to palm any of that Antennese rubbish off on me.

[Rookster]

I went to buy a new television in Currys yesterday, I told them I wanted one that was made in the UK. Just as they were scanning it at the till I noticed it said "Built in Antenna" on the box so I made them take it back. There was no way they were going to palm any of that Antennese rubbish off on me.

I also went to Currys to buy a television so I could watch the championship playoff matches. I got a bargain but it came with no Leeds.

[Spinynorman]

Installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.

[Spinynorman]

Each time you make a typo the errorists win.

[Spinynorman]

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy.

[Spinynorman]

I often involuntarily replace words with animal names so I don't do it on porpoise.