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Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

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Finsimbo
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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by Finsimbo »

I went to the barbers yesterday for some highlights… he just showed me a video of his favourite haircuts.

When I discovered I’d been the victim of ID theft, I was absolutely liv

My mate was offered a job as a noise pollution inspector. He had to turn it down

“Help! I can't get my jogging trousers off!”
“We'll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy.”

“Can you think of a synonym for ‘feelers’?”
“They’re antennae.”
“Come on, there must be one!”

“This soup tastes funny.”
“I used laughing stock.”

After 387208896 attempts, involving 1213223688 keypresses, I have typed 'you unt'

I bought a picnic blanket today. Not much of a story, I know; nevertheless I shall be dining out on it for weeks to come.

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by forestfan »

I once bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer... no idea what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by bspittles »

The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe
1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng
2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle
3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle
4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz
5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field
6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons
7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin
8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne
9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel
10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King
11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes
12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff
13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang
14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess
15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by Spinynorman »

A friend of mine is addicted to brake fluid but he says he can stop anytime.

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by murf »

Spinynorman wrote:A friend of mine is addicted to brake fluid but he says he can stop anytime.
A friend of mine used to be addicted to brake fluid but has now switched to clutch. He says he can change gear any time.

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by forestfan »

There’s an Elbow tribute band called Arse.

Apparently they’re so good, a lot of people really can’t tell the difference.

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by Finsimbo »

'I'm sorry, this is a bar for blind veterans only' said the bartender. 'But if you go across the street there's a bartenderbar' The bartender crossed the street into the bartenderbar and asked the bartenderbar bartender for a pint of vodka.

'I'd love to serve you' said the bartenderbar-bartender, 'but I'm just about to take my break and promptly jumped into the bartenderbar-bartender's car and drove away

'Where will I get a drink now?' moaned the bartender.

'well' said the guy sitting next to him 'If we catch up with the bartenderbar-bartender we can get a drink from the bar he's going to' and they got into Mr Tumnus's sleigh and set off following the bartenderbar-bartender's car.

When they stopped at the bartenderbar-bartenders bar the bartender went in and asked for a shot of champagne. the bartenderbar-bartenders bar bartender replied 'I'm sorry we only serve bartenderbar-bartenders' at which point the bartender and Mr Tumnus angrily destroyed the bartenderbar-bartender's bar bartender's car and killed the bartenderbar-bartenders in the bar.

And the moral of the story is: don't over use the words bar and tender

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by forestfan »

A couple of London-themed ones...

I met a man on the Tube who was teaching his dog to play the trumpet... he went from Barking to Tooting in five stops.

The Northern Line... because one does not simply walk into Morden.

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by Latic »

Worker who is top of office fantasy league also bottom of productivity league (Daily Mash)
“He looked pale last week and when I asked him what was wrong, he explained that he’d triple-captained Harry Kane because it was a double gameweek but he’d picked up a knock and now he might have wasted a wildcard."

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/soci ... 0108141930

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by Finsimbo »

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed, but after 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side, I mean, imagine all the peepholes.

When I was younger, I was adopted by two gay men, but I had to leave shortly afterwards as I didn't like the way I was being reared.

Someone ripped some pages out of both ends of my dictionary today and now it just goes from bad to worse.

I wonder if the guy who coined the term "One Hit Wonder" came up with any other phrases.

People are choosing cremation over traditional burial, which shows that they're thinking outside of the box.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be far too long.

Work at a Funeral Parlor is a serious undertaking.

If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?

I’m a huge procrastinator, but it’s a good thing cause I’m also suicidal

Old people always used to poke me at weddings and cackle, "You're next", so I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

I totally understand how batteries feel because I’m rarely ever included in things either.

I'm too rude to be a civil engineer.

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by Spinynorman »

Patient: "Doctor Doctor I've come out in spots like cherries on a cake".

Doctor: "You must have analogy".

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by Tacalabala »

A man was taken into hospital after he was found with several toy horses up his bottom. His condition is described as stable.

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by Spinynorman »

I came, I saw, I conked out....Julius Seizure...

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by Spinynorman »

Not really a joke but a couple of points made me chuckle:

What it's like to be British.

• Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”

• Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”

• Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best

• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door

• Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit

• Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand

• Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home

• The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector

• The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”

• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it

• Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands

• Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck

• Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change

• Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again

• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested

• Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”

• Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon

• Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it

• Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave

• Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible

• The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about

• Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake

• Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot

• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink

• “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit

• Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it

• “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”

• Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever

• Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever

• Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’

• Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether

• Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing

• Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again

• The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up

• Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by primitive man »

I have just put all my old dogging gear up for sale on ebay.
No sales yet but 14 people are watching!

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by 7lb claimer »

Make America Great Again! Re-release A Horse With no Name.

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by murf »

Image

EDIT - sorted it

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by murf »

I tried to phone Steve Smith and just got his answerphone message- "Hi, this is Steve Smith, I'm not out at the moment so please leave a message after the beep".

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by Spinynorman »

Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping at a busy shopping mall just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his phone.

The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewellers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I couldn’t afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…

"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

"Well I’m in the guitar shop next door to that."

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by Jester »

I couldn't work out why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, then it hit me!

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by Spinynorman »

Terrible day today, went to a funeral.

I plucked up the courage to ask the widow if I could say a word, she was thrilled and said yes.

So really emotionally I said ‘Bargain’

She said,

“Thanks that means a great deal”

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by Spinynorman »

I scared the post man today coming to the door naked.

Don’t know what scared him most. The fact I was naked or that I knew his address!

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by unc.si. »

Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall
I thought to myself: that’s a little condescending

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Post by unc.si. »

10 years ago I swore I’d never drink at work again. I’ve not touched a job since.

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Post by unc.si. »

Just caught my knob in my zipper. Man that hurt. No more zip up boots for me

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Post by unc.si. »

Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday:Ian
Friday: Greg
Saturday: Ian
Sunday: Greg


The Gregorian calendar

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Post by murf »

Monday: Julian
Tuesday: Julian
Wednesday: Julian
Thursday: Julian
Friday: Julian
Saturday: Julian
Sunday: Julian


The Julian calendar


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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by forestfan »

I met a man who was wearing a T-shirt with “Down with the Isle of Man” on the front, and “Jersey is crap” on the back.

Turns out he was a Wight supremacist.

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by Spinynorman »

I got my wife a fridge for her birthday. Not a great gift I know, but you should've seen her face light up whens she opened it.

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Re: Jokes (Please ensure adherence to the FISO T&C's)

Post by raoul »

The difficulty is that Wolves and Liverpool (plus Pope and Taylor) are very good picks now whichever route is taken and the fact plenty are considering ignoring the MC and Arsenal DGW evidences that doublers do not always trump a good singler.

I am still undecided which route to take but I had better decide soon!

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