A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a
Liverpool courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over
who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by
his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in
keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity
be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the
judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out
that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that
domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took
the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have
custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer
with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to
Everton Football Club whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of
beating anyone.

With apologies to Everton fans of cause. I feel your pain. But it is funny.

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.
"Why?" asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
"Well, I'm a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up."
The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation. "Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

I know of a slightly ruder joke with that punchline

Does the panda swear ?:shock:

Why did the pie go to the pub.


Because he was meetin potato! 8)

It involves the Panda getting busy with a hooker and a different kind of shooting before he leaves. (cant remember it all well enough to type the whole thing out though.)

I go on holiday for 10 days and the 1st thing i read when i return id this, cheers CY

I think i may have that bird flu...........
.
been feeling peckish all day.

Brian, The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they
make is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the
record shop,a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the
World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the
world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very
much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."
"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd
like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on
for you."

Brian, world expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts
on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and
announces, "I am the World expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and
yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step
into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Brian, The world expert on European wasps and the sounds they make,
steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later,
he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says,
"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make,
and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant.............

I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."

Apologies to all George Best fans.


Jimmy Greaves is at Georges bedside and says to poor old George

"Well George, its like this. There's good news and some bad news"

"Whats the bad news,Greavsie ?" mumbled George

"Well, you've only got one hour to live old son" says Greavsie

"Well, what on earth, can be good news then ?" says George.

"Its the happy hour" ! says Greavsie


A man walks into the doctors and says

"Doctor, Doctor, I think i'm turning into a pig"

"How long have you felt like this? asks the doc

"The man says, "Oh, about a WEEEEEEEEEEEK" !

Shrews... don't you have admin on the FISODAS to be doing?

I liked the George Best one! (despite the spurious 'the' in the punchline)

the best on here since the pie gag.

Someone posted a great joke on this thread last week about a golf player taking a mobile phone call. I was going to send it on to some friends (as you do) but it's been wiped by the hacker. Any chance of re-posting it?

I actually laughed at the 'spurious' comment, more than I laughed at the joke.

Sorry Shrews

OK

Englishman, Frenchman, Young ( fit) blond, and an old girl on a train.

The train passes into a dark tunnel.

SMACK!

On leaving the tunnel, the Frenchman is holding his big red face.

The old girl thinks, " he must have touched the blond girl's breasts in the tunnel, and she's slapped him"

The blond girl thinks, " he must have tried to touch my breasts in the tunnel, got the old dear's by mistake, and she slapped him.

The Frenchman thinks " I bet the Englishman touched her breasts and I got the blame for it".

The Englishman thinks, " I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can twatt that French fukker again!"

As you wish:

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on
a bench rings, and a man engages the hands free speaker-function,
and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room can't help but overhear the conversation.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now, and found this beautiful leather
coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN:"Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership, and saw the new
2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$120,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last
year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make them an offer, but just offer
$900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up.

The other men in the locker room, are looking at him in
astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know whose phone this
is?"..................................

The Italian says, "When I have a-finished makina love with my girl-a-friend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees.
She floatsa 6 inches abova da bed in ecstasy".

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished Making ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah Lick ze soles of her feet with mah tongue and she floats 12 Inches above Ze bed in pure ecstasy".

The Irishman says, "Dat's nottin'. When Oi've finished shaggin'
Me bord, I get out of da bed, walk over to d'window and wipe me knob on Da curtain. She hits da fockin' roof.

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough
pub when a well-dressed man enters, >orders a beer and sits on a stoolat the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no Stockbroker ! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets
the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...
Dave: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering
what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession !
Dave: - Oh !What's that then ?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond.
Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a
large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical
to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite
probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
very often?
Dave: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about
your sex life !
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wink.

The plane crash Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2-seater Cessna
plane crashed into a cemetery this afternoon in central Ireland.Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.
"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George."
"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."
"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman.
"Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."

Sombody might find it funny!

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her " ...And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

40 pikeys show up at the gates of heaven one day.
St Peter says “ We can only let 10 of you in im afraid. You will have to decide who shall enter the eternal kingdom of god and who must stay in purgatory”
The head Pikey says “Oh’ll haff te gev me 20 miuntes to decide St. Peder!”
St Peter agrees and heads back to carry on with some paper work.

20 minutes later an angel comes back to St Peter and says, “Thye’ve gone!”
“All 40 of them?!” Says St Peter shocked
The Angel replies “No the gates!”

One day at the Man United training ground, and an hour before they are due to finish, Alex Ferguson says "Lads, I’m gonna have to leave an hour early. Just carry on training and I’ll see you tomorrow." So they carry on and leave at the normal time.

The next day, Alex says, "sorry again lads, but I’m gonna have to leave an hour early again. A spot of private business to attend to." When he's gone, Roy Keane says, "forget this, if he's going then I am too," and he takes off.

The next day, the same happens. "Sorry lads, gonna have to leave early again." So Keane says, "Come on lads, lets all go home, he'll not know". So they all went home.

When Gary Neville got back to his house, he saw the gaffer's car on the drive. So he quietly opened the door, sneaked upstairs and peeped through the bedroom door, only to be shocked by the sight of Ferguson making love to his wife.

Rather stunned, Neville left the house and goes for a walk. When he noticed the car had gone, he went back into the house.

The following day at training, Alex says, "Gotta go again lads, sorry. Some private stuff to attend to." Once again, Keane says, "Come on lads, lets all go home again."

To which Neville replies, "forget that, I almost got caught yesterday!"

Very topical Murf.

So after the game, Fergie goes to Middlesbrough town centre, and to make an example of his players, buys 11 dummies from the Local Burtons.

Setting them out at Old Trafford, he barks at his team, " let's see you bunch of pricks pass and move, pass and move!

They drew one each!

Pisser

You know that 'As you wish' really means 'I love you' (film reference - answers on a postcard)

should Billy be worried?

"as you wish" - was that not Pricess Bride?