I've actually laughed at this joke more times now than others on this thread.


Well done Alchemist

A Scouser and a Geordie in a car, who's driving?

The policeman.

Happy ti oblige!

The Italian authorities have sent out an international appeal for more divers to help them search the wreck of the Costa Concordia.

Barcelona will be missing several first team players for their next match.

Extracts from letters of Complaint sent to various Local Authorities.

1.. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2.. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.

3.. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put
his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5.. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6.. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7.. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8.. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9.. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and
50% are just plain filthy.

11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour
and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.

16. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

17. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

18. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

19. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have
no satisfaction.

20. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

I just got off the phone with friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Sitting there with sweat dripping down my face, palms clenched, I had to keep reminding myself that never in my life have I been dishonest. Never.

But no one was around, no one but me would know, so surely this one time I could get away with it, I'd be able to wrestle with my conscience. Right?

Then I did it ...

I ticked the "I have read the terms and conditions" box.

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat,

Watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door,
Knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi
When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.
"One of the girls must have died.”

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: “Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?”
Jeweller: “Do you want it 18 carat?”
Yorkshireman: “No, I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bigger!”

Fernando Torres.

Arshavin: The worst Russian sub since the Kursk

Andy Carrol is 6 - 1 to score the first goal in tonights match between Liverpool and Man City.

For those that need betting explained, that means if you bet £10, you lose £10.

A man walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.

The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from?

You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously.

"What do you do, just across the Severn?".

"I'm a taxidermist."

"What on earth is one of those?"

"I mount animals."

"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.

The wife was counting all the 10p and 20p coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

Harry Redknapp has reported Roberto Mancini to the FA after Mancini waved an imaginary tax return at him.

Stolen to be my facebook status!

Love it!

me too

Help!!
Does anyone know how to cancel an eBay bid.I made an offer for a mickey mouse outfit and now I'm 6 minutes away from owning Tottenham Hotspur !!

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't...!?" she exclaimed. "Yes, I did". He replied.

"My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired". "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too".

I fell over and hit my head this morning really hard, and a big lump appeared. I followed the old wives take and spread margarine on it.....
I can't believe it's not better..

An employee turns up for his firt day at work. The boss hands him a broom. The employee says "But I am a graduate". The Boss says "Oh sorry. I will show you how to use it".

My Mrs said "Here's £50. Go and buy something that will make me look sexy"
She was gutted when I came home with a crate of stella and a bottle of scotch.

Was in getting a huge tattoo of an Indian on my back.

Once the artist started, I reminded him to make sure he remembered to make sure the Indian was holding a big tomahawk.

He replied, 'Give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban.......'

A robber bursts into the bank and yells "Give me the money!" A brave customer runs over and pulls his mask off. "You can't rob the bank now. I've seen your face!" The robber thinks about it for a moment and then shoots him. "Anyone else see my face?" he asked menacingly. After a few moments silence, a man shouts up "I think my wife had a look!"

Recently a Husband Super Store opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor. If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

So a couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor. The door had a sign saying 'These men have jobs and love kids'. The women read the sign and said "Well that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor. The sign read 'These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking'. "Hmmm" said the ladies "But I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor. This sign read 'These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework'. "Wow" said the women "Very tempting". But there was another floor so further up they went.

Fourth floor. This door had a sign saying 'These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak'. "Oh, mercy me" they cried "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor. The sign on that door said 'There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store'.

met a native american recently, and he introduced me to his wife, " this is 4 horses" he exclaimed, "4 horses? that's a beautiful name, how did she get that name?" I asked....... "Bloody nag nag nag nag!"

A similar store opened for men. The sign on the first floor read, "These ladies are good in the kitchen and the bedroom".

No man ever reached the second floor.

Ramsey scores Vs Man Utd. Bin Laden dies next day. Ramsey scores Vs Marseille. Gaddafi dies. Ramsey scores Vs Sunderland. Whitney Houston dies.

Houston we have a problem.

Any one else notice Whitney Houston Is an Anagram of Shut It Now Honey?

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!
Luis Suarez has been arrested for the murder of Whitney Houston in a racially motivated attack...
Eye-witness Patrice Evra says he saw Saurez kill her at least 10 times...
Sir Alex Ferguson has called for the death penalty...
Kenny Dalglish says he has never heard of Whitney Houston and has questioned whether she actually ever existed...
Howard Webb says he seen it all!


Due to the sad passing of Whitney Houston I expect we will be hearing a lot of her music over the coming days.
I hope Jedward and the members of Take That are immortal.