Salem,
A bonkers busy week for yours truly, and a pared down offering for
WEEK 24 as a result I’m afraid. No time for foreplay Daphne, so whip off the the bloomers, grease my thighs, out with the stinky pickle and first one to finish makes the tea.
27.01On the evidence of Friday night the Watford team coach must have run over a sack full of black cats and crashed into a mirror showroom on the way to the ground. The Horns did everything but score, and went out of the competition courtesy of half man – half jellyfish Scott Loach, who made a complete pig’s ear of VDV’s speculative 30 yarder just before half time. After a week being grilled in the dock the Spurs manager was probably anticipating a little light entertainment at Vicarage Road, but this turned out to be taxing hour and a half for ‘Honest’ ‘Arry, the illiterate, crippled, deaf-mute, technophobe. Tottenham whose superstars seemed totally disinterested in a trip to Wemberley were fairly battered by the Championship strugglers and were thankful to Carlo Cudicini who pulled off one of the saves of the season when he got a micron of keratin on Murray’s drive and tipped it onto the post. Redknapp may just have played his ‘Get out of Jail Free’ card at the wrong time and in the wrong arena. Decent pies.
Fulham’s up-and-down form shows no signs of becoming less uppy or less downy for that matter; one minute they’re smashing five past Newcastle, the next they concede two to Everton which is quite frankly downright careless. In a microcosm of their season so far they were gifted the lead when eagle-eyed bobby on the beat Howard Webb took down the particulars of Johnny Heitinga for a blatant handball, and Spud Murphy, cool as a cucumber, slotted home from he spot. But dozy defending saw unchallenged headers from ‘Big’ Denis Stracqualursi half way through the first half and Marouane ‘Big Bird’ Fellaini half way through the second and thus a game had ‘1-1 - replay’ written all over it saw Everton’s ball in the velvet bag and Fulham sent packing down the M6 with no tea and a smacked bottom before bedtime. Five assists in five for Landon Donovan – I did tell you. . .
28.01
Ben Sherman’s ironed, flick-knives sharpened and bovver boots polished, grudge matches don’t come more vitriolic than the West London Derby. What ensued was a scrappy, tetchy affair with an undercurrent of real malice. Not far down the road is Oil Drum Lane, non-existent home of fictitious purveyors and conveyors of rubbish Steptoe & Son, and their horse & cart could have been put to good use here. The game was settled from the spot by Mata after D Sturridge Esq had produced a dying swan impression would not have looked out of place at the
Bolshoi, and understandably was the recipient of considerable disapprobation from the gallery. Sparky’s flame snuffed out. Chelsea take on Brum.
United dominated the early sparring at Anfield, but it was yet another bad day at the office for the David ‘Bambi’ De Gea who got caught in no-man’s land under a Gerrard corner and could only stare doe-eyed at Agger’s bullet header twenty minutes in. No matter; a cute backheel (and no assist thank you very much for nothing you TFF b*stards) by Valencia sent Rafeal on his way down the right flank. The Brazilian gave Enrique the old ‘revolving door’ treatment and his cross found Park who applied a sumptuous first time finish just before half time. The second period half produced few chances but two minutes from time, as the United players were anticipating steak pudding, chips, and gravy at Albert’s Café on the East Lancs Road, they failed to cut out a Reina up-and-under, and Carroll flicked on for Dirk Klutz who uncharacteristically hit the target.
Disappointing Derby County, perhaps keen to avoid life threatening injuries failed to make this any kind of fist of this all midlands affair. Cloughie will have been turning in his grave. Cameron Jerome with his third goal in the last four outings smashed home from a yard four minutes in, and that pretty much put the mockers on things. Herr Huth gave a timely reminder of his prowess with the old telescopic leg routine ten minutes from time sweeping Pennant’s corner under the Rams’ keeper. Stoke a decent e/w bet?
Down the sluice and sploshing into the cesspit of shame go Newcastle United, the only Prem side to succumb to lower league opposition. OK it was a scabby deflected OG but who cares. Poor marksmanship from Best (who is far from that) and ‘Big’ Shola, added to one excellent save, and a blatant handball missed by the officials kept the Geordie at nul points and saw Gus Poyet’s nimble charges rewarded with a trip to Anfield. Seeeeeeeeeeeeegulls!
Groundhog day at the Hawthorns; same teams, same score, only the names have been changed. Poorly defended crosses from Bennet and Thomas set up easy-peasy finished for Holt and Fortune. Things seemed to be heading for stalemate, but Craig Dawson dithered in front of goal and Simeon Jackson pounced five minutes from time sending Norwich into the 5th round and leaving Woy to wue yet more wobbly defending. Still at least the Baggies will now be able to concentrate the rest of their energies on. . . . er. . .
A not dissimilar turn of events at the Reebok where Villa old boy Luke Moore left Zat Knight in the dust, ran into the area, and fired past Bogdan giving the visitors the early edge, but, two minutes later Pratley took advantage of sloppy defending to convert Petrov’s free kick and levelled matters. The Trotters were gifted the win when stand-in Swans keeper Gerhardt Tremmel kindly spilt Petrov’s long range effort straight onto Chris Eagles’ foot. Graham headed against the post at the death, but that was the Swans swansong and the Trotters trot on.
29.01It wasn’t exactly jolly hockey sticks at the Stadium of Tedium where the question was would there be more fouls than cadavers. Unfancied ‘Borough took a shock lead fifteen minutes in, but the Mackems got even just before the hour when child prodigy James McClean, on the break set, up F-Cam for a neatly taken, one- touch finish which splendidly capped off his return to action after nearly a year in traction. These two will do it all over again a week on Tuesday. Ambulances are on standby.
Rounding off proceedings and probably the best game of the weekend was Villa’s trip to the smoke for a set-to with the Arsenal. A Game of two halves saw the visitors two-nil up at the break thanks to a flying rhinoceros of a header from kebab aficionado Richard Dunne, and a smash-and-grab second from Benty on the break. You couldn’t see a way back for the Gooners, but Prof Wenger knows his
oignons, and high voltage electrodes inserted up their young bottoms at half time had the desired effect. The red shirts swarmed all over the Villains back line and Dunne and Bent both cracked under pressure and gave away pennos which were both stroked home by a certain Dutchman, who is naturally this weeks
** STAR MAN**. Walnut got the second when a clearance hit him on the nose a yard out.
NOTES:. . . and then there were eight (assuming Martin ‘Son of God’ O’Neil has anything left in his portmanteau of prestidigitation). The draw has kept all the fancied runners and riders apart with the possible exception of the Gunners trip to Sunderland, so plenty of value to be had.
Chelsea with this latest shut out are sneaking almost unnoticed up the CS league taking their tally to eight. The return of Ivanovic and Essien bodes well
Another good stint from ‘Oxo’ Chamberlain at the weekend should ensure him further outings.
Villa with Keano and Ireland looked to be back to something approaching their best and apart from Manchester City at home have a reasonable looking run ahead.
If my maths is correct the scoring sequence of 3-0-3-0 for Clint – D means he’s due for another hat trick next time out. The visitors? – West Brom!
Beady Eye:
Demba Ba £5.4M: The Senegal hot shot should be back for the Toons trip to Blackburn. I’m not sure about this Papa Sissy fellow though.
Fraizer Campbell £3.8M: If there’s one thing MON wants its effort, and this guy always gives 100%. Great finish on Sunday. Silly price is based on missing most of last season with injury. Roll up, roll up.
James McClean £2.6M: Two goals and two assists in the last five from the fleet footed Ulsterman.
UPDATE:Things are far from tickety-boo at
Equipe Elbows let me tell you. Week 24 was always likely to be difficult given my three City players, but the fact that three others were no-shows meant top team DC were well short of the 32/33 par score and dropped like a stone. My season is becoming like the Italian army - one step forward and two steps back. I comfort myself with the knowledge that Vincent Kompany will be back in harness pdq, and City’s favourable fixtures should produce dividends. Posish:
TEAM - - - - - - - - - POS - - - - - - - - - TR
D C- - - - - - - - - - 3,543 - - - - - - - - 17
DROSS- - - - - - - - - 3,868 - - - - - - - - ??
DUFFERS- - - - - - - - 5,583 - - - - - - - - ??No need to remind you I’m sure that week 25 will be a double header. The stand out fixtures would seem to be Spurs v Wigan and Man City v Fulham, and doubtless we’ll all be oiling our transfer fingers for a bit of two-for-onery.
I’ll leave you with this old chestnut:
A young actor of dubious sexual orientation goes to see the GP complaining about a boil on his bum.
“Where abouts is it exactly?” Enquires the quack.
“Just here,” lisps the patient pointing to the spot “right next to the entrance.”
“Usually, young man” returned the doc peering over his half-moons “we refer to that as the exit!”
In haste,
EE
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