A record of the highs and lows, the cheers the moans, the laughs the tears and the curries and beers. If no one's interested I'll just faff around myself, but it would be great if people could chip in.

DAY 1.

07-16. I can't sleep. Usually a Saturday morning lie in is more important than the Minogue sisters phoning to ask if they could pop around and examine their newly acquired bi-sexuality with me. But not today. Concerns about the TFF website mean I just have to get up. That and the cataclysmic hangover/full bladder. Could be something to do with the wife being away - normally there'd be that testicle shrinking stare of reproach as I started my fifth pint. However a gallon of scrumpy seemed a good way of celebrating my brief period of freedom. Well, last night it did. So first stop the loo with it's treasure trove of industrial strength painkillers. Being a quack does have it's advantages.

Kettle on it's time to fire up the laptop. However I dare not go to GFM's site of torture straight away. It's funny how us blokes put things off isn't it, if they might be challenging or painful? So FISO first. And guess what? The lead thread is still "Website disappointments." But in fact the later posts look good - after several attempts some folks do seem to have gotten through. Somewhat relieved by this I relax. Perhaps I'll forgo that cuppa and try and get a few more Zs.

08-53. It's no good. As soon as I'd lay down and convinced myself that I could set the alarm for 11 and still have plenty of time to tinker I started worrying about my teams. It's not that they're bad or anything. Truth is in most of them I have only three areas of concern. The defence, the midfield and the attack. Yesterday picks like Darren Fletcher seemed inspirational. This morning they seem worthy of a criminally insane psychopath. Never mind I'll have that tea now and something to eat.

One of the great things about having the house to oneself is that you can revert to the good old batchelor ways. Cold curry for breakfast without being told your disgusting. I wonder if it's bad form to visit XXX sites at nine thirty in the morning? A liitle light relief to take my mind off the job in hand. In fact a little job in hand to take my mind off the job in hand. Just in time I remember to reclose the curtains.

09-37. There. That didn't take long. Now then. Down to the serious business. Do I leave defenders like Vidic and Carragher in? Even though they will probably miss the first game. Will my Man Utd engine room of Valencia and Fletcher start? And become regular points scorers? Which striker? I've decided to exclude VP from my calculations because of Arsenal's missed game in the week, their early difficult fixtures and because when they do eventually get a decent run he'll probably be injured. So it's any one from Torres, Anelka, Rooney, Berbatov or Drogba. I start thinking about adding a couple of more teams to cover all the bases but decide against it. Lives too short and I intend to retire in ten years time - I don't want to spend my last working days queueing on the damnable GFM website. Decisions, decisions...........

11-06. Well that's it. No tinkering for me today. Just had a text from my best mate of 30 years standing. His wife served him with divorce papers a couple of weeks ago and he wants me to meet him and the private dick he's employed at one o'clock in Swindon. According to his text he want's to "catch the cheating aunt at it". After a couple of moments of head scratching I realise this might be an error of predictive texting! Anyway the drive will mean I have to leave around twelve so will miss the three quarters of an hour of internet insanity which will ensue as soon as Chelsea's line up is announced.

Interesting thread going on at the moment regarding the fitness of Stevie G. The consensus seems to be that he won't be playing this weekend and to start with Drogba and then bring the points magnet scouser back in when he's available. Tempting. It could be at least a 2 - 0 for only one transfer. But what if Drogba doesn't start? At these times I always wonder what the TFF Deities would do.

23-55. Had a difficult afternoon with my mate and his private dick. All kinds of talk about night vision goggles, trackers, bugs, telephoto lenses and, believe it or not, using grass cuttings as camoflage. Managed to get back into the car in time to hear the second half of the Chelsea game (no disrepect to Hull, but I didn't have any of their players in my teams). Really wished I'd put Drogba in for Gerrard now. As the French would say "Bolleaux".

No chance to follow the footie when I get home though because the Boss is back. And we have a friend's son's 21st birthday barbecue to go to. Honestly some people are so selfish. If only they could doink each other in late September then their offspring's birthdays would not intefere with the serious business in life.

Anyway, time to do a "Likely Lads" and avoid the scores until Match of the Day.

First shock of the day ensues at 22-30. What the fek has someone done to Alan Hansen's face. I can live with the mascara and eye shadow, but his eyebrows? Oh please they've been plucked to a third of their original size. I honestly have to look away and just listen to the sound when he's on for fear of awakening my "sensitive side". By the way, for those who didn't see it, for the 18th season in a row he tipped Liverpool for the title. Twonk.

And then the second body blow of the day (the first being Chelsea's non clean sheet). Bloody Arsenal. Did no one tell them that we'd all agreed they'd score b*gger all fantasy points until October? By my reckoning Fabregas scored 97 on his own today. The only saving grace was that Worthavin wasn't.

And then a curious thing. Is it me or does every third team in in the Premiership now play in claret and blue? And why?

Thought Milijas was very good for Wolves. Chris Eubank-Bloke was there. Burnley tried hard. Did Delap get an assist for the throw in own goal? I'm sure there was another promoted team, but I can't for the life of me remember who they are. And can Darren Bent really score goals regularly?

Points wise my four Chelsea block teams were rank apart from the one with Deadly Didier in it. Await the MU and Liverpool ones tomorrow.

I know already this is going to be the thread of the season.

I enjoyed reading this so far. I just hope your missus doesn't join the forum.

Echo the above.

If this is going on (and on), can I ask for a list of your teams and points (when you have them). You mention 4 Chelsea block teams, but have you 4 Bolton block ones as well? It will help us understand your situation better.

The odd photo also would add to the whole experience....carry on...

Excellent stuff, think I can relate to most, if not all of it.

Can't believe the Arsenal scorerline and all I had was Arshavin and he did bigger all, typical. Just hoping my m8s had lots of Everton defenders in.

I look fwd to more...

Brilliant thread and a very enjoyable read... keep it up please!!!

Top read! Keep it up...

Loved the reference to remembering to reclose your curtains!

That way, you'll never go blind. No matter how sunny the weather is outside...

But as a quack, you'll probably know that already!

Good luck with your teams. And remember the order of your priorities!

DAY 2.

11-44. Now that's what I call a weekend lie in. Had to get up at 08-15 because my two cocker spaniels were creating for their breakfast. But was able to get back to sleep again. Then I had the wierdest dream about David Moyes. He was dressed in big blonde wig with huge gazonkas playing a guitar and singing.....to what looked suspiciously like Mark Hughes.

Jolene, jolene, jolene, jolene
Im begging of you please dont take my man
Jolene, jolene, jolene, jolene
Please dont take him just because you can........

He talks about you in his sleep
Theres nothing I can do to keep
From crying when he calls your name, jolene

And I can easily understand
How you could easily take my man
But you dont know what he means to me, jolene

Jolene, jolene, jolene, jolene
Im begging of you please dont take my man
Jolene, jolene, jolene, jolene
Please dont take him just because you can

You could have your choice of men
But I could never love again
Hes the only one for me, jolene

I had to have this talk with you
My happiness depends on you
And whatever you decide to do, jolene

Jolene, jolene, jolene, jolene
Im begging of you please dont take my man
Jolene, jolene, jolene, jolene
Please dont take him even though you can
Jolene, jolene

I wonder what it all meant?

Like a lovesick teenager I hit the GFM website for the points. Pratt. Have I learnt nothing from doing the cricket this year (in 115th by the way)? If they can only get the scores updated by late morning each day with only 15 000 teams then what hope have they got of getting yesterday's scores up before next Tuesday week.

OK so let's go over to FISO and see who's bragging about having Fabregas and 11DD. Yep. Some are, the jammy gits. Please don't be offended I'm just jealous. Less than 24 hours into the competition and I'm already in the also rans. Quickly re-read my Seven Deadly Transfers thread to remind myself that it's a marathon and not a sprint and not to hit the transfer button like a nervous, first season newbie would.

Nice to see some of you are reading this self indulgent twaddle. And thanks for the comments. I'm going to try and keep it up all season long with score updates, comments on interesting threads and of course how I'm doing. A sort of prospective "How I Lost TFF 2009/10".

For me today's main interests will be how Insua will do and whether Gerrard will play (since I didn't to the transfer to Drogba yesterday). Oh and the MU line up. You see my teams were all based around a core mid-field of Lampard, Gerrard, Valencia, Fletcher and Milijas, with Insua in each defence. Partial block defences from each of Chelsea, Liverpool and Man Utd in each of five teams and then five teams of a mixed defence.

Please DON'T RMT as my fragile ego couldn't take being told how shite they are!

Time for Brunch.

13-30. Hurrah. Excellent Man Utd team news. Fletcher and Valencia. Particularly delighted about the former as I seem to be the only demented dipstick who's picked him. Apart from Sven - and that's hardly a recommendation.

I'm also surprised that only 13% of managers have Ben Foster in their team. If he keeps three or four clean sheets before VDS comes back surely he's worth it? And if he does he may even keep his place.

Can't seem to remember who they're playing though.

Nice thread. Bookmarked.

Superb read, this may distract me from the serious business of looking at team news when I log on to fiso now.

Let me know the next time the wife's away.. Look forward to the next read

With my single team not doing too well, I am still smiling after reading your diary and look forward to future entrys. Top thread keep up the good work.

21-55. OK I know this is a football thread, but I just love sport. Football (of course), rugby, cricket, F1, even women's high board diving - if you use the pause button at just the right time you can get some most illuminting freeze frames. But today was actually building to one sporting event. Not Andy Murray winning in Montreal nor the still ongoing USPGA tournament. Usain feking Bolt. I've watched it five times now. 9.58 seconds. It takes me longer to open my eyes in the morning. The Sky Plus is already set for the 200m final.

Looking back, MU's clean sheet should have been a good thing. But for the fact I only had two of them. Fossie Bear and Evra. Thinking that defences should be season long my United block contained Vidic and Ferdinand. Neither played nor, apparently, will now do until Lent. Fek. By the way, who were they playing today?

My Liverpool block obviously scored about as well as Tyra Banks would do at an evening convention of the Ku Klux Klan's gay division. Still Gerrard scored. Unlike he would do at an evening of the Southport DJs convention.

However this game did give me an idea. Watching on Match of the Day tonight (through my hands when the ex Liverpool Lady Boy was on) we had yet another manager's rant about non given penalties.

So could we try and add these up over the season? Any non given penalty, wrongly given penalty, wrongly dissallowed goal, blatantly offside goal. Please add them on this thread.

Time to reflect on my starting selections. I'd rate them C+. Pleased with Foster, Insua, Carvalho, Fletcher, Valencia and Milijas all starting. Feked off with the absent MU centre backs. Best team has 38, worst has 14.

And finally the new website. Well until 20-44 today all my twenty teams were technically still in tied first place. My best ever start to the season. But to be honest. Really is this what we all deserve? Something slower than George Bush? D- at best?

I don't think so.

Great read......look forward to seeing it as a book early next season.

this well written, very entertaining, self-indulgent.. keep it up at this rate, this is going to be one 'ell of a long thread, good luck

Very amusing read so far. Will be hard to keep it up!

It reads as if he manged it when on his own after a night on the pop - so should be fine when the wife returns to help out.


PS Am I the only one worrying that he washed his hands before coming back onto FISO after 're-opening the curtains'? I feel contaminated....

I've watched it five times now. 9.58 seconds. It takes me longer to open my eyes in the morning.

Absolute Classic!!

A gem of a thread can't wait to read more.

No woman should ever be allowed to read this thread. Its like gender reversal Bridget feking Jones, but I'm not sure that I want the ladies to know that all we actually think and care about is sport, bishopbashing, fantasy football and Hansen's brows.

Maintaining the illusion that you're actually interested in the stuff that they are is the secret to a happy relationship.

DAY 3.

15-45. Bit tired but very happy. Tired because I start my surgeries on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays at 07-00. Meaning I have to get up at 06-00. Six o'feking clock. If the Good Lord had meant men to get up at 6am he would have sent 7 of 9 round to give them a hand. I wouldn't mind, but none of the skivers on my patch actually want these early morning appointments. They much prefer telling their boss that they had to see their GPs at 10-00 and have a damn good lie in.

Happy because until lunchtime today I was going to have go to cinema with her indoors to see some nonsense chick flick called "The Time Travellers Wife". I hate going to the pictures at the best of times. I'd rather eat my own belly button fluff lightly sauteed in pregnant hippopotamus piddle. Even if they're showing "Mutant Bloodsucking Harlots part 3 in 3D". However her mate has stepped into the rescue by saying she'll go with her. The Boss has jumped at this offer because she knew she'd have had to spend the entire two hours of the film sat next to me gurning my displeasure.

On the subject of women I'm indebted to Nobby68 for this observation "Maintaining the illusion that you're actually interested in the stuff that they are is the secret to a happy relationship". Indeed. And not forgetting your Wedding Anniversay. Mine's on September 1st. So if one of you could just post a reminder on the thread for me on August 29th I'd be truly grateful.

Spent the day wondering what I'm going to do about Rio Ferdinand in my MU block teams. SAF says he's out for two weeks. That's a lot of potential clean sheets missed. If I knew which one of Wes Brown and John O'Shite was actually going to get the gig at right back I'd probably bring that one in. But not if either is only going to play part time, particularly when Rafael gets fit. Hmm.

I see the most popular thread is still the Website Disappointments one. 327 replies and nearly 9000 views by August 17th. If GFM thinks there's no such thing as bad press they should have a word with Gerald Ratner. I had a look back for a similar thread about CleverTV last year and found "No points of website by week and other grumbles" 67 replies and 2427 views. By mid November!

I also found post by SamD detailing the number of teams playing after the first weekend in previous seasons. 259 000 in 06/07, 239 000 in 07/08 and 219 000 last year. At this rate of decline by the 2013 season I might actually have a chance of winning something.

I see in this morning's Torygraph the pretty Liverpudlian pundit has said Liverpool were really poor at the weekend. No shite Sherlock. However still says they'll win the League. There's none so blind as those that will not see.

Back off to do my evening surgery now. I wonder if the number of calls about swine flu will actually drop below the 30 an hour mark today.

I totally agree with this I read through your whole post enjoying it very much and then found this bit at the end:



Mrs Harrrrrrry works in a surgery and is constantly banging on about the number of calls she gets about swine flu and I just maintain the illusion that I'm interested in it. Now I feel bad for having given your post the time of day!

DAY 4.

11-07. Wow, the website really has improved in it's presentation over the last 24 hours. We now have leaderboards, Super Leagues, a top 50 most selected by discipline, a most transferred section, players points and an individual team performance by week. But will it all work in that crucial area when the teams are announced tonight? Will we actually be able to get on to make transfers? This latter is important to me as I'm thinking of solving my Ferdinand conundrum by picking a regular Chelsea defender. If Carvalho is going to a consistent starter then it's him. If not then it's a coin flip between Bosingwa and Cole. I know it's early to be making transfers, but if The MU centre back is going to be out for at least another a couple of weeks (3 or 4 games) then I think this is a necessary TWEAK in my five MU block teams.

On the subject of transfers are we seeing this season's first KNEEJERKS? Nearly 5% have transferred in Fabregas since the start. But why have these Lawrence Fekall-Uptopps done this now? Taking out someone who should play mid-week for Fabregas who won't? Seems if you were going to KNEEJERK you might at least wait until the weekend.

I also looked at the player points. At a rough calculation one could have scored 115 points without using a transfer. This compares with the leader's 120, 87 to make the top 10 and 74 to make the top 100. Makes my best of 38 (approximately 35 000th) look as useful as a box of bumholes. Dirty ones at that. Also that 115 would have been achieved with a 4-3-3. Each and everyone of mine is a 4-5-1. Schoolboy error or early days? Only time will tell.

Good spot on the forum by knulpuk - the half price teams are in already. I might buy a few and then leave them untouched until the Division split and the Cup competition.

Looking forward to tonight. Will Celtic burst Arsenal's early season bubble? How will the Chelsea stars perform? Particularly Lampard and Anelka who were disappointing at the weekend. And will Milijas repay the faith 3.51% of us have put in him?

00-50. Strange isn't it how sometimes fate actually conspires with you? Finished early at 18-15 this evening so went to see my mate over in Swindon. Thought I'd hear the team news on the way over and make my planned Ferdinand to Chelsea defender switch when I got there. Thouroughly peed off when his interweb thingy wasn't working. Said some very naughty words which would have had my mother giving my mouth the Pears treatment had she heard them. However I was going to go with Cole. So ended up very lucky. I still have to decide whether to stick or twist on Ferdinand though.

Mixed night overall. The teams with Anelka suffered again, but since all my efforts have Lampard and Mikijas I wasn't too disheartened. On the subject of the latter I'd be interested to see how his popularity changes from the 3.51% selection today over the next few weeks.

I note that there are already a few people talking about dropping Carvalho on the forum. Is "Ancellotti" the Italian for "How to fek off fantasy managers"?

well, you're keeping it up mate
sweet as
lamps disappointing? he can't top score TFF every single week mate, but he will be top 3 at end of season, man is on fire

DAY 5.

06-52. Just got into work. Why in the name of Mark Hughes' haemorrhoids did I stay up so late last night? Guess what? Points aren't updated.

Where's that coffee.

14-15. Been hitting the F5 button on my team page all day between patients, more often than Charles Kennedy does the Sauce bottle. And at last the points are up. My top team has strode majestically on to 50pts and roughly 18 000th. The top team overall now has a paltry lead of 78. Reckon they might as well give me the cheque now.

Still brooding over Ferdinand tonight. I'm leaning towards bringing O'Shite in. Or Brown. Or Fabio......

23-05. Hav3 e to admit I'm a bit pist. Got homme fro m work at 7 and my lovely wie said "I'll take you down the pub after a long say". Then got re\lly pist off when I had to do my trabsfers first. O'Shea for bferdinand in five teams - safter team news evenyually got through. God I loove her5.

Five or six pents of Taunton's finest later on an empyt stomach and we get home and she wants ti feking talk to me - not breally sure what babout as I wasn't completely paying fulln attention. I have a vague feeling she knew I was a but pist as she ewnt to be d and said "see you in the morning and don't snore tonight" - like I feking do it on purpose!

Anyway. Log on. What the fek happened to MU? Ibrought O'Shea in tonight gfor Ferndinad. One transfer down in five teams for whbat?

My Liverpool block did OK.

Where's that can of cider?