I think it could be Liverpool, everyone loads up at the start of the season (every season) and slowly but surely everyone gets rid so there will be a certain irony if everyone jumps on. They do have a great run in with only Arse and Chelsea tough and both those are at home. Hmmm.

What the fek is it with women?

I just said to the Wife "Doesn't the maid come on Thursdays?". Her reply, "Sh*t I better go and tidy up quick."

Sitting waiting to board the 19 seater twin engined Otter for our flight back to Barbados, so pretty miserable after another great holiday on Bequia. Great weather, great music, great rum and the Wife's grating, grinding hips have been great. I swear the combination of hips like ball bearings, trick pelvis and the aphrodisiacal effect of the sun make for one very happy fekdrink.

But all good things must pass I guess. Perhaps a significant contribution from Sessegnon in the second half and an England win at Murrayfield might make leaving the paradise that is Bequia a little easier to bare. The feking cricket certainly won't.

Is it cold over there?

Snowing most places... bermuda shirt, shorts & flip flops may not be the best choice of travelling attire

Good point Bigshelf. Though jeans and thick jumper ain't exactly going to be a good choice this end. A trip to the loos at 40 000 feet to get changed may be an idea.

Hmmm. I wonder if I can get the Boss to join me..........

...........I couldn't.

Anyway back in good old Blighty. Thanks to the sterling efforts of snow ploughists and runway sweepers at Gatwick, pretty much on time, though at one point it was hinted we may have to divert to Schiphol - not a pleasant prospect. The new Immigration booths seemed to work fairly well too so that was smooth as silk. However how it can take over an hour to get our bags when only two planes had landed at the South Terminal is a feking mystery. How many baggage handlers phoned in to say they couldn't make it through the snow one can only hazard a guess, but those who were there were certainly on a go slow which would make French Air Traffic Controllers proud.

My thoughts focus on one of my teams today which currently sits in fifth in it's Super 20, League. The person in fourth has a game in hand but is currently losing by half a dozen. I'm 40+ up but, and it's a big but, needs to overturn a 70 point points difference. So it's Rooney and Mata in today and a few Tottinghamsters tomorrow. With 24 transfers left I can afford to burn a few.

I was thinking of cleaning out any remaining Warnocks and Luke Youngs I have dotted around my teams today for a clutch of Kyle Walkers today. That was until I looked at Tottingham's upcoming fixtures. Shite is it ever tough for them over the next eight weeks.

Starting with Liverpoop (a) tonight, they follow with Newcastle (h), Stevenage (a), Arsenal (a), Man United (h), Everton (a), Stoke (h) and finally Chelsea (a). Excluding the Cup game they really will do well to win more than half of those. Talk about Champions League make or break time.

Personally I hope they do well, but suddenly one of their defensive players doesn't look quite so attractive a TFF proposition.

So then I thought, what about Enrique? Erm well only if you think Spurs (h), Man United (a) and Arsenal (h) in the next three EPL fixtures look like offering six point possibilities. I somehow don't see any.

Chelsea defenders? Easy fixtures over the next four, but in clean sheet terms as reliable as a double incontinent pensioner.

Ditto Arsenal.

So clearly Man City then. Trouble is if they're not being sent off and banned they're being heavily rotated.

Hmm. As Fagan once famously said, I think I better think it out again.

Yep you end up back where you started and entertaining the prospect of further Warnock games.

Defence won't be the answer this year! (surely ???) It was a compelling case to put in City defenders last year but they have changed personnel and style of play, LFC have lost Lucas, Utd are going to go for it with wingers, Spurs are Spurs and Chelsea are a timebomb waiting to go off. Newcastle would have been a possibility but they're out which leaves Arsenal or Sunderland. Not for me !! I think I'll keep rotating mids and forwards instead. Anyone for Suarez?

I'm hearing Enrique is out btw.

Wow great call on the Spurs defenders. Not.

See my predicting is up to it's usual standards.

A Bandwagon is by it's definition something one joins. Over the weeks I've tried to highlight what I think will become a Bandwagon. And the real trick is not to follow but to lead. Something I'm shite at. Undeterred I'm going to try again this week.

1). See what I mean, Luis really caused a scene, he did, I tell you. Ain't no diff'rence 'tween black or white, brothers, you know what I mean. Yes Senor Suarez did indeed "really cause a scene", but now he's back. At the start of the season he was many people's "first on the team sheet", but now following his eight games on the naughty step he's now down to a 10.11% selection rating. And I wonder how many of those are teams which have long since run out of transfers or been forgotten about. Most I would bet. So is he an attractive proposition? Well he's still a good player, fresh as a neonatal daisy, Liverpool are still in the Cup (I'd expect him to play, needing the game time) and at least one forum member has tipped them to possibly be the team for the run in. And lest you hadn't heard (he doesn't like to talk about it much) he came third overall last year. I've got until the weekend to think about it but you know what? I'm going to give him serious consideration. Or maybe even wait until the Brighton game which is on a Sunday and theoretically could give an extra game. If only it was the early kick off..........

Fekdrink

My team in the Wigan Fans League - (Can't see anyone else on FISO in this League, so hopefully, I am giving no secrets away) got onto a block Spurs Defence (plus another two outfield Spurs players) on 21/12 when it sat in 11537th place overall and was 117 pts behind the League leader.

The team is now in 780th place overall and 59pts behind the League leader and closing each week.

Having said that, I had a team in the FISO league in a similar position that I moved to a Liverpool block defence and that team has bombed.

Some gambles you win, some you lose but I had to gamble in December as these two teams were doing nothing.

THE 37 POINT CLUB.

Pah, never mind all your 1 100, 1 200, 1 300 points club. The only real one to be in is the 37 point club. And I'm in it! Hurrah. The first and therefore only time I've been in the lead of any TFF competition ever. Yes, I'm numero uno, top of the pops.

OK so there are possibly about 337 others who got the right Sunderland players in the Tinkerman League last night but that's not the point is it?

Best TFF points scorers

On 30 January fekdrink wondered whether a new TFF points record was imminent.

Following an initial brief response that day below is a fuller study.

First, the history:
- table lists players who've scored 200+ between 2003-04 and 2009-10 seasons
- exceptions are last two campaigns when man of the match points were dropped.


Back to the query: can van Persie set a new TFF record of 293 or more?

Well, Arsenal have one to six FA Cup ties, including possible replays, and 14 PL games.
But Mr Wenger could rest him in some of these when the Champions League resumes.

So Robin's final TFF figures would need to approximate to something like this:
In other words he'd have to maintain the scoring rate in 14 of the 15 to 20 games left.

Impossible?

Great stats.
The only point I would make is surely the absence of MOM points means RVP comparison a harder one to make with previous seasons.

Drogba got a PPG of 8.1 in 08/09 with just 3pts for MOTM

In 2 seasons since the best last year was 5.7, RVP would have neded MOTM in 80% of matches to be scoring at the same rate as Drogba then! (maybe slightly more as bookings counted less too???).

I would imagine Drogba got 1 in 3 MOTMs or less so had a 'real' PPG in toay's money of 7 or more. Quite impressive - as is RVP's season to date.

Cheers SamD. Fantastic work and an interesting conclusion.

For the last couple of years I've nicknamed Van Persie VIP rather than RVP as in Very Important Persie. This year I've used the term AFVP ie Absolutely Feking Vital Persie, such has his importance been to an otherwise misfiring Arsenal team. Put bluntly without him Arsenal could be looking more at the edges of a relegation battle rather than the fringes of Champions League places. And there in probably lies the reason why the Dutchman will not break the TFF points scoring record. Quite simply I can't see him playing in all the EPL games, the FA cup and the premier European competition with it's two legged ties. Arsene will have to have to prioritise. How he does that will be interesting. The FA Cup surely represents the Gunners best chance of their first silverware since Chamberlain said what a jolly top bloke that nice Mr Hitler was. But there's not much dosh in that. To be Champions of Europe would be an amazing feather in his beret, but is a tough ask. Almost impossible? A top four spot is presumably vital for cash flow, bringing as it does "Euro millions". But coming fourth (surely their best possible finish now) is hardly the stuff Gooner dreams are made of.

I know there's some Arsenal fans on the forum. Which of the three would you go for if in Monsieur Wenger's flip flops?

AFVP's stats and for that matter his team's are much more impressive than mine. My best is still worse than most people's worst.

Krul
Jones
Smalling
Warnock
Silva
Bale
Mata
Murphy
Sessegnon
Aguero
Van Persie

Total £46.4 million, points 1075, position 22 294th, transfers remaining 15.

What seemed like a great idea a few weeks back to bring in a pair of United defenders has been the biggest cock up since Jon Holmes died. I notice both are missing again today. With every opposing team's twelfth man Jonny Evans playing yet again. If United fail to win the League this year SAF's peculiar stubbornicity in picking the error prone Irishman may be a significant factor.

Even drafting in the Bellendese Sessegnon has done sweet FA as everyone at the sharp end seems to have done the same thing. A 'C-' for the week. Which just about sums up my season.

For me, this season is all about damage limitation. Incredibly following the majority of this weekend's results we (Arsenal!) are in fourth position. Given the shocking start to this year, one point from a possible twelve, that shows how poor a lot of other contenders are currently playing!

I'll be very happy if we can hold on to fourth, but that feels like a very disappointing season (or mid season) aim. Was hoping for a Spurs implosion and a charge for third with all the 'Arry for England fun currently going on, but the opposite is occuring tonight. Although I am delighted with Ade's points fest!

Apparently the board have budgeted for non CL qualification, but that may have just been said to keep the increasing numbers of those booing slightly happier, and again feels rather defeatest.

I think that Champions of Europe is out of the question, I'd take getting past AC Milan and having a good go in the quarters.

FA Cup win would be magnificent, combined with top four. This should aid us to pay off the stadium, push RVP and Arsene into signing new contracts and we then mount a serious challenge on the premier league in the next 1-2 years.

I'd take that!

And I wish you the best of luck arsene.

Yesterday was a sh*tty day almost without redemption. I say almost, because England did somehow scrape through in the frozen wasteland that was Rome. It can never be a totally bad day when the Red Rose triumphs. Aside from that though....

It started badly enough. All those who were patting ourselves on the back ten days ago for bringing in Sessegnon for Rooney in that legendary 6-2 are now looking pretty feking stupid as Rugtop bagged his second brace in a row. Sessegnon wasn't a bad call. Just the person I removed for him.

Later I had to endure the torture of seemingly 30+ miles of 40mph roadworks on the road to Hell - ie the northbound M5 to the Midlands. One of the Wife's relatives was having a 60th birthday. In the Black Country. Which meant a full family gathering of people I need some sort of Star Trekesque universal translator to understand. In a pub where the bar staff spit in your beer just for saying 'please' and 'thank you'. They don't short change you per se for being a southerner - they do that to everyone. Remember these are people who hate any nancy boy from south of the Strensham services. Not as much as they hate people from Birmingham obviously and nowhere near as much as they hate people from Wolverhampton. I always thought the Wolverhamptonists were Black Country-onians but Jeez don't dare ever say that to someone from Dudley. Even three year olds from the 'true' Black Country use the 'C' word (with their parents blessing) when talking about the folks from barely a few miles up the A461.

So the evening was expensive, confusing and full of in-laws. And I had to stay sober through it all whilst the Boss tried to single-handedly empty the bar of red wine. Never mind I thought, at least I wouldn't have to put up with the road works on the way back. A heavy right foot and I should be home in little over an hour. What I didn't reckon with is some miserable c8nt from the Highways Agency shutting the M5 southbound between junctions three and five. It was like they were trying to trap me with my adopted family. And sent me round a tour of Kidderminster, Bromsgrove and I swear at one point tried to divert us via Telford. The sat nav eventually gave up altogether - as if to say "stuff it, it's your own fault for coming up here in the first place".

I know all about Godforsakenshire, after all I was born in it's capital Reading, but I really didn't plan to spend two bloody hours driving round it last night.

What's up Doc? or where's Doc?

Hi Canaryfan.

A one word answer - work. The Beatles wrote "It's been a hard day's night and I've been working like a dog". Well for me it's been a hard day's fortnight and I've been working like a disobedient Border Collie who's been sent to sheepdog boot camp. Up at five every morning, in the surgery before six and rarely home before six in the evening. Which has given me a couple of hours at best before thinking about bed. All because of half term.

Now I really, really feking hate half terms. Absolutely detest them. And the one just gone is absolutely the worst. OK possibly tied with the October one. That's a real c*nt too. And it's down to bloody kids. Irritating little scrotes at the best of times, but there mere existence doesn't normally impact on my life and outside of seeing them in my surgery I can avoid their insidious evil. And when I see them there I can always get my own back by............ well here's my top ten.

1). Suggesting what they really need is an injection.

2). Having their blood taken. If they really annoy me by my least competent nurse. The one who takes half a dozen stabs to get blood out of someone with veins like the Mississippi.

3). Telling their doting, dopey parents that what they really need is a suppository. Twice daily for a week.

4). Saying there's nothing wrong with and to get back to school.

5). Sending them to casualty - a guaranteed six hour wait,

6). Sending them to the on-call surgeon. Junior surgeons are convinced that everything, but everything, even an in-growing toenail, can be diagnosed by a rectal examination.

7). Saying that they are over tired and should be in bed by seven each night (six if it's anyone under the age of twelve).

8). Declaring they are claustrophobic and should spend more 'Quality' time at home with their folks. Works for teenagers, specially girls.

9). Declaring they are agrophobic and should get out more. Preferably to do extra PE lessons. Works for the lazy ones who are hooked on their Xboxs and PS3s.

10). Suggesting their headaches, bellyaches, leg pains, cough, snotty nose, bedwetting, soiling, sore throats, earaches......absolutely anything in fact is down to eye strain and they should forgo games-consoles, television, texting and facebook for a week. Longer if they're real little turds.

But like I said above normally kids don't normally have that much impact on my life. Except at half terms. Which always extend beyond the supposed week to about three. All of my fellow doctors, all seven of them have kids. As do most of the nurses. And when half terms come they all want time off to be with their snotty nosed, illiterate, text speaking, often hormonal, spotty offspring. Which has basically left me, half a dozen receptionists and a cleaner who once watched half a series of ER to look after over twelve thousand patients.

I suppose it could be worse.

At least I'm not in Andre Vile-Boss's shoes or Arsene's position. One or both could be looking for new jobs come June. In fact I'd go as far to say that one of them should be circulating his CV already, so precarious is his hold on employment.

Well from my suggesting that Arsene Wenger's job may be in jeopardy just over 24 hours ago it certainly looks a lot safer now. As does Arsenal's position. Not just because they spanked a distinctly lack lustre Spurs, but also given the news that they have made profits of £49.5 million in the six months up to last November. Giving them now cash reserves of £115.2 million. Very, very impressive given the debts of so many clubs. But.

Seven years since they won a trophy. Fourth spot in the Premier League only on goals scored. Sure yesterday's result was great and gives their supporters North London bragging rights for now. But what happens to them and their manager if come May they're not in the top four? £20+ million up the Swanee from missing out on the group stages alone. Will Van Persie stay if there's no meaningful European football? After his performances this year he could surely go to any club in the world and pretty much name his own price when it comes to wages.

Having a fortune in the bank is as much use as Viagra to a eunuch when it comes to football in general and the EPL in particular.

A bit like having 16 transfers left yet buried deep in the mid nowheres in TFF. Trust me, I do know about that one.

It's a bit quiet round here fekkers old chap, you lost your mojo or has old Ironpants clamped down?

Back on holiday again courtesy of 10 000+ airmiles which I'd been collecting since before my balls dropped*. Pretty much re-charged and ready for the run in.

Do you win anything for finishing outside the top 20 000?

*That was obviously before the Boss confiscated them. A case of me wanting to play and her taking the balls away.

Went for the Rooney to Suarez 4-1 a week or so back and I think I'm just ahead on the deal with two to play, though I'm not sure how many Rugtop scored on Sunday. Anyway this makes all the current 3-1 etc talk re the Roonster superfluous for your's truly.

I'm now sat on

Krul
Jones
Enrique
Warnock
Silva
Bale
Mata
Murphy
Van Persie
Aguerro
Suarez

Total £49.1 million, points 1 277, position 26 043rd, transfers remaining 12.

To say this was uninspiring would be putting it mildly. But who knows, enough transfers left for a good bit of daisy chaining and to jump on any team with a glut of FA cup enhanced fixtures come the last month. Obviously this won't cover me in glory, but might salvage a little pride.

Decided to use a couple of my transfers today rather than hanging on. The main problem is obviously I can't see the teams just before kick off as by that time rum will have been involved.

So in come, very belatedly, Walker and Heitinga for Jones and Warnock.

Now just need a beach bar to find to watch the City vs Chelsea game. Is this the day they lose the title? Personally I think not. Nor for that matter in the derby game. But the trip to the Emirates has 'disaster waiting to happen' all over it. If I where Mancini I wouldn't be spending money on Tevez's wages, but rather on a hitman to take out AFVP.

Just found out the Wife is off on a "girl's night" this evening. Excellent news. I get to have a beer in peace and quiet and talk b*llocks all night without Her saying "Can't you boys talk about anything else other than sport?" Of course we feking can, but when we talk about the size of other women in the bar's t*ts and what we'd like to place between them she tends to get really stroppy.

Of course the other reason a "girl's night" out is great news is that she invariably comes back as horny as Hell. So a sh*g without out having to go through all the irrelevant hassle of having to say nice things to Her first. And being p*ssed She's often the one who rolls straight over and passes out. So I don't even have to put up with any pointless post-coital cuddling.

I've got a feeling, tonight's gonna be a good night.

Hope it all works out....

Who else are you hoping to 'score' tonight? Doing any tinkers?

OK not TFF, but in fantasy games with captains, it sounds like we should give fekdrink the armband tonight as even if RvP, Suarez etc score, the good doctor will AT LEAST match them.