Well, I wouldn't call it dreadful. I haven't done as well as I'd hoped, certainly, but it's not dreadful.

Eh, who am I kidding. I sucked eggs.

I think what happened was that at the point where I was the world No. 3, I started harbouring hopes of being numero uno. There was the media attention, the sports shoe endorsements, the all-night parties, not to mention all the screaming babes. I kinda slacked off a bit in training, one thing led to another, and now every decision I make blows up in my face spectacularly.

Maybe shoving over that gypsy lady and shouting "I'm a fantasy football god!" in a thunderstorm while breaking a mirror as I walked under that ladder just when that black cat was walking across my path also had something to do with it.

Being a short furry rodent, I definitely have a disadvantage when running short distances. But you know what they say, it's a marathon, not a sprint, and I'm sure I'll do better over the longer distances. Also, my short, stubby legs and bounding running style don't help when I'm trying to jump long, but trust me when I say that I've got a pretty good vertical leap. Let's say that I've got my two weakest events out of the way and I will only improve from here on.

Did you just hear a disembodied snigger?

Also not one of my favourite events. I won't get a world record or anything, and I'll be happy with a throw that puts me in the middle of the field. I'm just hoping to stay in contention right now.

Heck, the shot weighs more than I do! To be honest, I'm just hoping not to be squashed into a bloody pulp when the official hands me the darn thing.

Yes, yes I have Whatever, thanks for noticing. I've been great

My secret is that I've modelled myself on great Olympic decathlete Bruce Jenner. Well, to be honest I got my plastic surgeon to do it for me. It meant I couldn't really do much training until the cheek implant bruising healed, so I'm really surprised to be doing so well (at least, I look surprised )

http://www.bodyphilosophy.org/files/images/Bruce%20Jenner%20B%20&%20A.img_assist_custom.jpg

No, bring them all on. I'll beat everyone. Except the hurdles, obviously. Being Scottish I'll probably fall flat on my face.... on the smallest hurdle.... at the end.

Aye, they're great Whatever. You know they are the best fans in the world. The beer, the whisky, the buckie, the gin, the vodka, the brandy, the rum........ they're doing great in the heptathlon. Besides, this time it can't go wrong: there's no-chance of me getting knocked out by Costa Rica!